1. Seattle Seahawks (2-1, LW-1) (-)
I still think Seattle is the best team in football, even when they don't play a game. Not having Marshawn Lynch cost me my fantasy game this week, although I still only lost by 7 points with the like of Shane Vareen filling his slot. In the end, you don't know what ya got til it's gone.
2. Denver Broncos (2-1, LW-2) (-)
Spoiler alert but none of these top four teams are changing. So, to keep things interesting, I'm plugging in my picks for the MLB postseason in the Broncos slot. Sorry, Denver fans. I'm still bitter about when Peyton Manning shit on the Ravens in Week 1 last season, when Allen Iverson got traded to the Nuggets, and when the Rockies swept the Phils back in 2007 when the Fightin's had just made their first postseason since 1993. So, yeah.
AL
Wild-Card Game: A's over Royals
ALDS: Angels over A's; Orioles over Tigers
ALCS: Orioles over Angels
NL
Wild-Card Game: Giants over Pirates
ALDS: Nationals over Giants; Dodgers over Cardinals
ALCS: Dodgers over Nationals
World Series
Dodgers over Orioles; I picked the Dodgers back in January to win the World Series (granted, over the Texas Rangers), so I'm sticking by Clayton and Yasiel. This team is young, relatively experienced in the postseason and talented. Plus I can't go all in on Buck Showalter without feeling really bad about my life decisions.
3. Cincinnati Bengals (3-0, LW-3) (-)
The Bengals and the next team we are about to talk about are the lone undefeated in football. How long until the Redhead loses? They face a true test with their upcoming four games coming out of the bye week. They go road, home, road, home against the Patriots, Panthers, Colts and Ravens. If they can manage 3-1, they'll be great shape. 4-0 and this team might be my sudden AFC champion pick. 0-4 and they' probably still be in first in that division.
4. Arizona Cardinals (3-0, LW-4) (-)
Arizona is nice and cute, still undefeated. But Carson Palmer is slowly rehabbing and probably won't play Sunday against the, yup, Broncos. 4-0 might be a stretch, which is exactly what Palmer should be doing right now! LOL! #rehab#medicalfieldjokes#scrubs#icantdothisallonmyown#iamsuperman!
5. San Diego Chargers (3-1, LW-8) (Up3)
The Chargers are looking more and more like a Super Bowl team as the weeks go by. They did just beat up on the Jaguars, so its easy to overreact at their performance, but they are one point away in Week 1 from 4-0.
6. Philadelphia Eagles (3-1, LW-5) (Down1)
Plain and simple, the Eagles lost that game and they could have won it. Zero offensive points can't happen against a defense that has underperformed this season and against a team that gave you three scores on special teams and turnovers and returns and literally everything else where you aren't supposed to score. Still, I think they are a better team than the 49ers and they proved it on Sunday in a weird, roundabout way.
7. Baltimore Ravens (3-1, LW-9) (Up2)
JOEY F! I loved everything about Sunday in Ravens Town, led by main man Steve Smith Sr! That game was everything this team needed from the rough start to the season. Sitting at an impressive 3-1 after they whooped Cam Newton's ass, the Ravens play the susceptible Colts in Indy, the Bucs in Tampa, home for the Falcons, and than travel to Cincy and Pittsburgh. Rough slate of games if you ask me. But for now, WE'RE 3-1!
8. San Francisco 49ers (2-2, LW-10) (Up2)
The defense was tricky on Sunday, sure. Colin Kaepernick finally looked like an athlete again. Frank Gore finally looked like he had a pulse again. But the thing that should scare Niners fans is just how close they were to losing that game. It was an ugly win shielded by the defensive shutout.
9. Indianapolis Colts (2-2, LW-11) (Up2)
I had to put Andrew Luck back in the top ten for fear of him coming into my bedroom at night while I'm sleeping and whispering awful things in my ear for three hours.
10 and 11. Chicago Bears (2-2, LW-6) and Green Bay Packers (2-2, LW-12)
I give up on these two fuckers.
12. New England Patriots (2-2, LW-7) (Down5)
41-14? After the most lopsided loss since a 31-0 shellacking by Buffalo back in 2003, the Patriots are looking down and out. Good thing they play in the perpetually lost AFC East, but even if the win the division with eight wins, they are a one and done team in the playoffs right now.
13. Houston Texans (3-1, LW-18) (Up5)
Well, when literally everyone else ahead of you loses, that is what you get. No but really, I like this Texans team and I hope they keep winning. I want awkward Ryan Fitzpatrick and Ryan Mallet chest bumps in the playoffs.
14. Detroit Lions (3-1, LW-17) (Up3)
Are people in Detroit more excited for the Tigers to lose in the playoffs for the 700th consecutive time or for the Lions to inevitably let everyone down by losing to the Bills next week?
15. Dallas Cowboys (3-1, LW-21) (Up6)
Dallas is somehow 3-1, and it can mostly be attributed to their dominance in the running game. DeMarco Murray is having an awesome year and the offense looks unstoppable right now. Weird.
16. Atlanta Falcons (2-2, LW-16) (-)
How does Atlanta manage to stay consistent even though they just gave up 41 points to a rookie quarterback? Well, they were victims to the Bridgewater Effect and plus I'M STILL DRIVING THIS BANDWAGON, AREN'T I?! I KNOW WHERE WHERE WE'RE GOING, FALCONS FANS! PLAYOFFS! PLAYOFFS!
17. Carolina Panthers (2-2, LW-14) (Down3)
Remember last week when I said the Panthers were hurt but not dead. Well, they resembled more of a corpse this week than a cripple. I still don't think this team is down and out just yet, but they need to get something together on all sides of the ball.
18. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2, LW-15) (Down3)
Weird team, they really just aren't talented enough to make the postseason this year. They'll keep bouncing back after losses like this but without a go-to guy on offense or a decent defense, they aren't going anywhere.
19. Kansas City Chiefs (2-2, LW-25) (Up6)
That tandem of Jamaal Charles and Knile Davis can do dirty, dirty things to defenses light years better than New England's shitshow. If Alex Smith is channeling 2013 first half Alex Smith and if that defense can hold up like it did last night, the Chiefs might be starting an impressive playoff run.
20. New Orleans Saints (1-3, LW-13) (Down7)
The Saints are a lost cause. The defense just doesn't look anything like it did last year and Drew Brees might have gotten mixed up in some time warp dimension and now Billy Volek is quarterbacking for New Orleans.
21. Miami Dolphins (2-2, LW-23) (Up2)
Well, I think after the Dolphins-Raiders game we can officially shut the book on NFL in London.
22. Cleveland Browns (1-2, LW-20) (Down2)
Only in Cleveland do the Browns go down two spots after not playing a game on Sunday.
23. Buffalo Bills (2-2, LW-19) (Down4)
The Bills are making a questionable decision in benching EJ Manuel after four games and going with Kyle Orton. Are the Bills seriously in win-now mode at 2-2? I wouldn't say they are trying things out with Orton, you know the bowl of shit you're getting with him as your starter.
24. New York Giants (2-2, LW-28) (Up4)
Eli prettily easily handled the Redskins on Thursday night. Could this offense be finding itself? I would have thought the Giants would lose a few more games before making their annual 7-0 stretch run, but hey! Maybe Christmas came early in the Coughlin household.
25. Minnesota Vikings (2-2, LW-29) (Up4)
Teddy Bridgewater looked like the real deal on Sunday. I'm not saying he is just yet, but maybe Minnesota fans will like the Bridgewater-Asiata tandem better than the Christian Ponder-Peterson debacle.
26. Washington
The offense still looks much better behind Kirk Cousins than RGIII right now. The offense doesn't necessarily look good, just better. Like slightly. Whatever, the Nationals are World Series favorites.
27. St. Louis Rams (1-2, LW-26) (Down1)
When I googled "Rams" today to find their remaining schedule, this headline came up before anything else: "Massive Suez Canal Tanker Crash is Like Two Drunk Rams Trying to Fight". I mean, that about sums it up right there.
28. New York Jets (1-3, LW-24) (Down4)
Look, anyone who thinks the Jets should bench Geno Smith for Mike Vick is a moron. What do the Jets get out of twelve Mike Vick games? 6-6? 5-7? Best case, 7-5? They wind up 8-8 at best and lose a season of seeing what Geno can do. Stick with Geno for the rest of the season and go from there.
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-3, LW-30) (Up1)
Hey, they beat someone! Cute!
30. Tennessee Titans (1-3, LW-27) (Down3)
This team has talent, but they aren't going to do anything with Charlie fucking Whitehurst as their honest starting quarterback. It also helps to limit Reggie Wayne to like less than 600 yards.
31. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-4, LW-31) (-)
I don't see these bottom two spots opening up anytime soon. Poor Blake Bortles.
32. Oakland Raiders (0-4, LW-32) (-)
David Carr got hurt and Dennis Allen got fired. Is it rock bottom yet in Oakland or is Darren McFadden involved in an underground gambling ring?
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