NFL 2014 Crystal Ball Picks- Week 2

If we learned anything from Week 1, its that we can't learn anything from Week 1. We also learned that Roger Goodell is an asshole.



Thursday, September 11, 2014
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Baltimore Ravens
My Pick: Pittsburgh  Fantasy Impact Player: Le'Veon Bell
This game is always one of the best of the year and its really a gift from the NFL that we get to see it twice a season. I usually like the home team in this one because everything else is so even. However, right now, nothing is really even about these two teams. The Steelers might have been a completely different team in the second half of their season opener, but they still outshines the Ravens in all aspects of everything. They scored 30 points, Baltimore struggled to score 16. The Steelers defense might not be what it used to be, but they are young and I would say more talented than the Ravens. And perhaps the biggest factor in this one, the Ravens are going through a horrid week amidst everything that has happened with their fellow teammate, Ray Rice, and the appropriate backlash from the public about the organization handled the entire case. No way they win this already emotional game during such a passionate, short week.

Sunday, September 14, 2014
Miami Dolphins @ Buffalo Bills
My Pick: Miami   Fantasy Impact Player: Knowshon Moreno
For Knowshon's sake, I like Moreno this week because of the sheer value he brings. Most teams probably got him late in their fantasy draft and yet, he looked like he didn't miss a beat from his starting job in Denver last season. Moreno might be the real deal all year, especially if we (I) were (was) wrong (very wrong) about this Dolphins team. Miami might be really good this season. I don't think Buffalo will be very good this year. Any bad team can win one week in the NFL, the Bills just happened to do it in the week that gets the most overreaction. So before you go calling the Bills your sleeper pick for 2014, watch them lose at home to Miami by three touchdowns first. 

POOP OF THE WEEK
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Washington Redskins
My Pick: Jacksonville   Fantasy Impact Player: Not Alex Hurns
I bet Alex Hurns is suddenly owned by 95% of the world in fantasy leagues everywhere solely based off one half of impressive football against an Eagles secondary that wouldn't scare Ernest Wilford. Don't bank on him again, even though the matchup is favorable. Its hard for me to find a bright spot on this Redskins team. They scored six points on Sunday. RGIII looks more and more like Marcus Vick instead of Michael Vick. I'm not even sure Alfred Morris was all he was cracked up to be. I'm picking another road team because the Jaguars looked good in their final five games of last season and against Philly on Sunday.

Dallas Cowboys @ Tennessee Titans
My Pick: Tennessee   Fantasy Impact Player: Kendall Wright
This Cowboys defense is horrid, do not let that average performance at home fool you from this past Sunday. The Titans do not have an offense superior to the 49ers but I feel like Dallas will make it seem that way this week, allowing a guy like Kendall Wright to go off for well over 100 yards. Of course, I picked Dallas last week to pull a random Tony Romo extravaganza out of their back pockets before they all took a collective shit on my post. So, it looks like Dallas will be the team that will screw my pick every week this year.

Arizona Cardinals @ New York Giants
My Pick: Arizona   Fantasy Impact Player: Andre Ellington
Its hard to believe that Carson Palmer continues to see success this far into this strange career. Yet, the Cardinals did win ten games last season and are off to a 1-0 start in 2014 with an impressive win over San Diego at home last week. This week, they get the shit-ridden and confused Giants. They are fielding a defense without anchor Darnell Docket, which will definitely be noticed (hopefully my main man Rashad Jennings takes advantage), but that secondary should completely take the passing attack out of question. There is real reason for panic in New York already. At least the Jets are 1-0.

New England Patriots @ Minnesota Vikings
My Pick: New England   Fantasy Impact Player: Tom Brady
You just don't piss off Tom Brady. I don't think the Patriots are particularly fond of last place, especially since this is the first time Tom Brady has occupied last place by himself in his entire freaking career. Is this a must win already for New England? I don't think so, but it sure would hurt to start 0-2 in the AFC. This will be a great test for the Vikings, getting a squandering Patriots team at home off the heels of a pretty depressing loss while the Vik's reel in the glory of their impressive Week 1 win.

New Orleans Saints @ Cleveland Browns
My Pick: New Orleans   Fantasy Impact Player: Drew Brees
This Saints team can't wait to play at home, but they also get a treat playing the Browns to try and avoid an 0-2 start. The offense will be too much to handle for the Browns and I don't think they will blow another big lead this week to a far inferior matchup. A lot of people like the Saints to not only make the playoffs but possibly even reach the NFC title game. If they are going to do that, they can not start 0-2 in a loaded NFC.

Atlanta Falcons @ Cincinnati Bengals
My Pick: Cincinnati   Fantasy Impact Player: Giovani Bernard
I know Bernard didn't play so well against the Ravens but the Falcons rush defense isn't as good as my boy's is. Cincinnati looks like the real deal, ladies and gents. I like them at home, I like them to challenge Matty Ice and his goon squad and I like them to take this one by at least a touchdown. The Bengals might setting themselves up for a two game lead over the Ravens this early in the season. Ouchy mamma!

Detroit Lions @ Carolina Panthers
My Pick: Detroit   Fantasy Impact Player: Matthew Stafford
Is it me or am I buying high on quarterbacks this week? Regardless, I'm selling low on the Panthers despite their win over Tampa at the helms of the immortal Derek Anderson last week. I like this Lions team, maybe a little too much, mostly because they finally have an adequate running back. And I don't mean Reggie Bush. Joquie Bell might be the next big thing in Detroit, and he is an awesome compliment to Calvin Johnson. This offense is scary good.

St. Louis Rams @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
My Pick: Tampa Bay   Fantasy Impact Player: Doug Martin
Its only Week 2, so I don't like writing off anyone. But if the Rams can't pull off some sort of signing or trade at the quarterback position soon, they are done. I don't see the Rams scoring a touchdown this week and I see this game getting away from them quickly. Could they put a trade together for either Kirk Cousins or RGIII? In an ironic way, they traded to avoid drafting Griffin in the 2012 draft. Could they now be so desperate for a quarterback that they would trade for him two years later? Will they forget about Sam Bradford? At least the Cardinals are still fucking good, those fuckers.

Seattle Seahawks @ San Diego Chargers
My Pick: San Diego   Fantasy Impact Player: Phillip Rivers
My surprise pick of the week, bay bay! Look, bare with me and bear with me. Everyone is falling head over heels with Seattle and Russell Wilson. I think they just renamed Washinton Wilsonington. Eventually, that catches up with a team. Eventually, a team slips up. Now, look at San Diego. They had a lot of expectations coming into this season and they probably should be 1-0 right now but instead they are on the opposite side of the win loss column. Phillip Rivers might not use profanity, but he still gets pretty angry. That loss isn't sitting well with him. This Chargers team almost beat the Broncos in Denver last year in the playoffs, I think they can beat an irrationally charged Seahawks team in San Diego. Everything is perfectly set up! Take it to the bank!!

Houston Texans @ Oakland Raiders
My Pick: Houston   Fantasy Impact Player: Arian Foster
No one has more 100 yard running games in the past five seasons than Mr. Foster, which I find hard to believe. Can we really trust these imaginary statisticians? Anyway, the Texans will eventually feel the hole left by Clowney's injury (which is odd to say since he is a rookie), but not against Oakland. Sure, I think David Carr looked pretty decent last week. I also thought Utopia was a good show when I first turned it on and that was a runaway train waiting to happen. Am I saying Oakland is like a runaway train towards a shitty Utopia? Yes. Yes I am. 

New York Jets @ Green Bay Packers
My Pick: Green Bay   Fantasy Impact Player: Green Bay
I love me some Bill Simmons and he has created this concept with his gambling advice called the "Obvious Pick". It isn't rocket science, it is essentially his pick every week that he feels he should go against because it feels too obvious. It feels too obvious to me that the Packers would win this game. Home opener. Bad blood from last week's loss. The Jets are overrated. It's the Jets. Aaron Rodgers has that stupid SNL Discount Double Check commercial out now. It just seems too obvious. But am I picking the Jets. Hell to the no, chica.

Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Broncos
My Pick: Denver   Fantasy Impact Player: Jamaal Charles
I really, really still don't believe in Charles, I'm picking him here as my anti-impact player that will disappear in this game as the Chiefs fall behind early. Denver almost let that game last week slip away from them, and that was against a Colts team notorious for sneaking back into games. This one is easy, Broncos win by two or three scores.

Chicago Bears @ San Francisco 49ers
My Pick: Chicago   Fantasy Impact Player: Matt Forte and Alshon Jeffrey
My biggest downfall is probably that I'm stubborn, and my fiancé could probably list two or twenty-five more. I'm sticking with the Bears despite them losing last week to a crappy Bills team and thus, eliminating me from my family survivor pool. Regardless, I love this offense. I see a shootout on Sunday night between two of the league's best teams. 

Monday, September 15, 2014
Philadelphia Eagles @ Indianapolis Colts
My Pick: Indianapolis   Fantasy Impact Player: LeSean McCoy
I really had a tough time picking this one, which means don't bank on me being right here. In the end, I see a close game with the Colts winning by a field goal. Too much Andrew Luck late in the game to pull away. Honestly though, if the Colts could figure out a way to not fall behind 24 points at half, this team would be a dynasty. 

Last Week: 7-9 (I'll take that every week brotha!)
Season: 7-9 (I'll take that every season brotha!)