Hello readers! Welcome back to the Nugget Blog! And welcome welcome back to the Nugget Blog This Was Your Year Award special, otherwise known as the blog that decides once and for all who controlled the year that was, 2013. I know it has been a long time since I wrote any blog, specifically the yearly special (obviously, it is an annual thing you knucklehead!). I have my reasons, though! Don't take anything personally here, reader. This past year was a challenge for me in multiple ways. I finished up college, so no more hysterical college references in my articles. I participated in NaNoWriMo this year and won! Although my novel is not yet complete, don't fret. You will all know when it is done and printed so you can rush order a copy for your least favorite family member to waste their time with. I also have been writing a baseball compilation book about all of my wildest opinions on literally anything. I am only calling it a baseball book so I don't call it a bullshit book. Maybe people will buy it this way.
But those are all of the excuses we need to catch up and get back into Nugget-ing. I am sure everyone remembers how it went last year, and if you don't, well grab another Natty Ice from the fridge and read this!
In this blog, I will rank eight different people/objects/etc. into four different categories and put them into a tournament to determine who truly won 2013. I decided on what and who consisted of the final 32 contestants and I determine who wins each matchup. Unless any of my readers ever step up and want to start a fairer system, I'm going to keep running things like the BCS. I am the computer and all of my readers are the drunk uncles who still root for their favorite team because college was the pinnacle of their lives. But hey, I love my readers and I love my uncles!
I rank everyone by their amount of likes on their "most-liked" and "most relevant" Facebook page, as I did last year. This keeps me "hip" with the "young crowd". People still use Facebook, right?
So in the end, we will arrive at our winner of who 2013 really belongs to. The only other unfinished business to attend to before moving on to new business is what in the hell are we going to call our four regions? Last year, we had the four regions broken up by Fun. "We Are Young" lyrics. This year, that would be so last year. So, I decided to name them after my four favorite Christmas songs. If you don't like how heavily my opinion hampers this entire thing, I definitely don't recommend buying my baseball book. I also don't recommend getting stuck on an elevator with me someday.
Without further ado, our feature presentation (of presenting the regions, silly! :) <(") )
Do They Know Its Christmas Sports Region
Honorable Mentions: Boston Sports, Nick Foles, Manti Te'O (solely this far because he had a fake girlfriend, see, something good came from that), John Cena, Miguel Cabrera,
1. LeBron James, NBA champion, 15,414,822 likes
2. Andy Murray, tennis player, 2,219,174 likes
3. Peyton Manning, NFL quarterback, 1,324,468 likes
4. David Ortiz, MLB World Series champion, 1,265,713 likes
5. Auburn Football, they beat Alabama!, 311, 719 likes
6. Joe Flacco, NFL Super Bowl XLVII champion,
7. Diana Nyad, swam from Cuba to Florida, 65,982 likes
8. Daniel Bryan, WWE superstar, 1,222 likes
Christmas Shoes Pop Culture and Entertainment Region
Honorable Mentions: Sandra Bullock, Bradley Cooper, Justin Bieber (by default), Anna Kendrick, Brian Cranston, Jonah Hill, Eminem (lost out pretty much because of how creepy and lifeless he was on his ESPN appearance), Lorde, Jimmy Fallon, Seth Rogan/James Franco's Bound 2 Music Video (the video had to be stressed here, without that video, they would be far from sniffing this list)
1. Selena Gomez, actress/singer, 49,417,595 likes
2. Bruno Mars, singer/musician, 44,070,699 likes
3. Miley Cyrus, does Miley Cyrus-type stuff, 36,487,988 likes
4. Justin Timberlake, entertainer/musician, 29,351,387 likes
5. KimYe, Kim Kardashian (no real talent) and Kanye West (kind of a scumbag), combined 25,369,050 likes (for the record, Kim somehow had double Kanye's likes)
6. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, actor/WWE superstar, 21,246,450 like
7. Jennifer Lawrence, actress, 4,653,417 likes
8. Robin Thicke, entertainer/singer, 2,932,782 likes
Step into Christmas Technology Region
Honorable Mentions: Hashtags, Grand Theft Auto 5, Instagram, Playstation 4, XBOX One, Twitter going public, Twitter in general, Yahoo, Apple, Android
1. Candy Crush, addicting Facebook game/app, 56,531,442 likes
2. Netflix, streaming website, 4,743,119 likes
3. Bitstrips, can anyone really explain these, 4,448,130 likes
4. Snapchat, the creepiest success story ever, 77,530 likes
5. Google Glass, the innovative glasses that make Terminator realistic, 43,765 likes
6. iPhone 5s, everybody had to have it, 35,970 likes
7. iOS 7, the updated software for Apple iPhones, 26,986 likes
8. Vine, funny videos that are edited into short videos, 8,045 likes
Frosty the Snowman Politics and Inanimate Objects Region
Honorable Mentions: Syria, Me graduating college, Minions, the Wrecking Ball video, Sharknado, Drones, Amazon Drones, Pizza Hut Drones (just kidding, although count on these being a thing soon), Royal baby birth, the VMA's (I already have Miley and Thicke in one region, I am trying not to put a sour taste in my mouth for the entire time)
1. Barack Obama, President of the United States BABAY, 37,752,178 likes
2. Breaking Bad, the show that taught us how to cook meth, 7,017,584 likes
3. Hump Day Camel, what day is it, ITS HUMP DAY, 54,295 likes
4. Harlem Shake, again, I really can't explain this one to people, 27,900 likes
5. Selfie, what it sounds like, 26,221 likes
6. Rob Ford, the coolest politician I can think of, 8,082 likes
7.Twerking, the downfall of society, 4,408 likes
8. Government Shutdown, the government went on a timeout for a little because they were bad, a whopping 58 likes (USA! USA! USA!)
So again, these rankings were ranked by their Facebook likes, not by how relevant each was in the year. So if you're sitting at home thinking "How the fuck did Selena Gomez get ranked above Miley Cyrus?!", its because too many creepy old guys are on Facebook these days liking her page because they saw her in a Spring Breakers commercial. You have them to thank for for the skewed rankings. I also blame them for the poor Rob Ford ranking. Watch out Breaking Bad, The Ford is driving right at you! (Also, notice how many less likes the politicians have then their celeb counterparts. Obama would be ranked third in the Pop Culture region, slightly above Miley. Again, USA! USA!)
As my good friends at MXC said before they got cancelled and probably spend their days performing episodes that will never get aired, GET IT ON!
Round of 32
We will start in the infamous "Do They Know Its Christmas Sports" Region!
(1) LeBron James vs (8) Daniel Bryan- The King vs YES! What a great first round matchup and a great duel to kick this entire thing off, huh?! First things first, hats off to WWE for a strong-ish end to their 2013. Unifying the WWE and World Heavyweight Championships was long overdue (although the storyline should have had more building up behind it, personally, I would have saved it for Royal Rumble, but I don't make millions running the company) and having Randy Orton win cleanly was also a good move. John Cena losing is always a good thing in a world of John Cena overkill. However, with all of this positive movement, if Dolph Ziggler doesn't become a headliner in 2014, I am going to email Vince McMahon my resume along with a video of my roommate and I's wrestling promos that we shot in our college dorm room with the subject line "HIRE ME, YOU MORON". What's the worst that could happen in that scenario?
Daniel Bryan was my vote for Wrestler of the Year amidst all of Cena and Orton's accolades. Although he only held the WWE championship for a total of about .33453 seconds, he at least crossed "winning the big one" off if his list officially. He also resonated with the crowds like no superstar has in years. Bryan's "NO" turned "YES" chant rings the bells of Stone Cold Steve Austin's "What?" chant and even the "YOU SUCK" chants during Kurt Angle's theme song. I even think the "YES" chants get more a pop. On one of the final RAW episodes of the year and right before TLC, Triple H had a bunch of previous World Heavyweight and WWE champions out in the ring (reminding all of us that someone was drunk enough to give Great Khali the World Heavyweight belt at one point) for a promo revolving around the unification. For a solid five or six minutes, the crowd chanted "YES" and "DANIEL BRYAN" during John Cena's brilliant performance on the mic. The fans love Daniel Bryan and WWE should get all that it can from that fact in 2014.
That being said, LeBron James still moves on. Sure, Bryan had a fantastic 2013 with the wrastling and stuff. But, LeBron won his second NBA championship in a row and made his third straight appearance there. He won another MVP award. He kicked the asses of everyone in the league. He came up clutch multiple times. He was a part of a Miami Heat team (excuse me, the best player on a Miami Heat team) that won 27 games in a row (second most all time). And perhaps is biggest accomplishment, a two for one, he beat Tim Duncan fair and square in one of the most exciting NBA Finals in history. A seven game thriller that coupled with LeBron winning over a good portion of his "haters" is what pushes James into the Sweet Sixteen. Personally, by beating out one of my favorite players in the NBA, LeBron gained a lot of respect in my book. He did what he had to do with an ailing Dwyane Wade and a struggling Chris Bosh. Ignore the miracle Ray Allen three and barrage of Shane Battier three's in Game 7 for a moment, will you? Bron-Bron moves on.
(2) Andy Murray vs (7) Diana Nyad- In possibly the most boring duel of the bracket, we find a bald tennis player and an elderly swimmer (I'm sure TBS is working on a sitcom comparable to this pairing, which will probably be called Stay in Your Lane). It's 2013, ladies and gentlemen, and diversity is a wooden ship! But, since most of you probably already know who Andy Murray is, let me give you some background on our girl, Diana. Back in early September, Diana became the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida without a protective cage (I guess someone did the swim with a cage around them, what a pussy). It took the 64 year-old 53 hours to accomplish the feat. It also took her five tries and 35 years. The moral of the story is to keep trying until either you do it or a shark tears you limb from limb. According to this story from CNN, Nyad resorted to singing lullabies to help her relax and take her mind off the vomiting she was going through as a result of the immense amounts of salty seawater in her system. I mean, if that isn't a desperate attempt to win this bracket, I don't know what is.
Andy Murray, on the other hand, became the first British man to win a Wimbledon's single championship since the immortal Fred Perry did so in 1936. A lot of tennis guru's, and really only tennis guru's, would argue that this was the sports moment of the year. Thus, with that accomplishment, one would think that Murray should move past Nyad to the next round, right? Since both of these two didn't have an incredible year as a whole and their feats were more of moments, it comes down to which moment was bigger this year. Media wise, Andy Murray takes this in a landslide. However, I think Nyad deserves some media attention FINALLY after swimming from freaking Cuba to Florida, without a protective cage of course. Anyone who argues this decision to put Nyad in the Sweet Sixteen can bring out a phonebook, look up Andy Murray's cell phone number, get a hold of him, and embark on a swim across the Atlantic Ocean with your tennis pal. At some point out in the waters, I want you both to send me a picture of you guys throwing up so I can reverse the decision. Then and only then. Nyad, see ya tomorrow night!
(3) Peyton Manning vs (6) Joe Flacco- Only on my 2013 bracket could we not only find a rematch of last year's incredible divisional matchup overtime thriller between Peyton Manning and Joe Flacco, but also we find Joe Flacco on here period. First of all, that division round game needs another shout out for the sheer awesomeness of it (especially if we're talking 2013. Peyton doesn't throw 7 touchdown passes in Week 1 if he's not still out of his mind pissed off about that loss). That double overtime game was one of the top three football games I've watched in my entire life. Off the top of my head, last year's Super Bowl ranks number one, obviously. Number two might be that Broncos-Ravens game. Number three should be the first Super Bowl that the Ravens won back in 2000, but I was only eight at the time and only barely remember it. So, instead, I think I will say the Miracle at the Meadowlands from a few years ago when the Eagles came back in the fourth quarter against the Giants. Being from Philly, that game was fantastic to watch unfold. Well, then again the AFC Championship Game from last season was up there because of the way we made Tom Brady look. Pretty much, you can gift wrap all of last season's Ravens playoff games for me and call it a day.
All the haters and critics out there will tell me that I'm a fool for including Joe Flacco on this list at all. But, to them and to the people who might think I am a homer (I am definitely a homer), I remind you that I included Eli Manning in last year's honorable mentions just for winning the Super Bowl. That might be an unwritten tradition on this list now. If you win the Super Bowl, you are automatically at least in the honorable mentions. I can't wait for Mike Glennon to win the Super Bowl in two years so he can make this list. However, Flacco did't just win the Super Bowl this year. Flacco beat Andrew Luck and ChuckStrong, followed by Peyton Manning and the 1 seed Broncos in Denver, followed by Tom Brady and the January juggernaunt Patriots in Foxboro, and then the red hot 49ers and that stingy defense and the blackout in the Super Bowl. That alone is worthy of winning this whole thing (see, I am absolutely a homer). But Flacco went on and signed a record breaking contract (totally did not deserve it, but I'm backing him up anyway. As for the organization, the sole reason they missed the playoffs this season is because of the money they threw at Joe and the shit they took on the rest of the team), paraded around on TV like an actual celebrity despite being one of the most mundane human beings alive AND starred in a string of half funny McDonalds commercials. And actually, half funny is being generous. On second thought, those commercials could be the downfall of Joe in this bracket.
Peyton Manning had a pretty nice 2013 himself though. He rebounded nicely from a poor start, alas, the playoff meltdown. Although giving credit where credit is due, Peyton was not all to blame for that loss. The defense was sloppy, Rahim Moore tried to be a hero and ended up being a posterboy for high school defensive back coaches everywhere, and the Ravens had the destiny factor working in their factor. Peyton was unable to throw the ball much further then what seemed like six feet, but hey. We're focusing on the Peyton Manning who won Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year. We're focusing on the Peyton Manning who put up a statistical season that broke records (most touchdowns and passing yards in a season, unless the league takes that away) and will likely earn him a fifth MVP. We're focusing on the Peyton Manning who made us laugh in commercials and on the TV screen. We're focusing on the Peyton Manning who worked harder then any other sports figure in the past year to continue rehabbing, to continue getting better despite being on his way out and to rebound from a crushing defeat. That Peyton Manning gets the attention...but he doesn't get the win. Remember folks, I'm taking all kinds of advantage of a) this being the only year I can get away with moving Joe past Peyton and b) the fact that I am the only voter. In any other method, Peyton would probably move on. But in my dictatorship, Flacco gets one step closer to winning 2013. We Want Joe! We Want Joe!
(4) David Ortiz vs (5) Auburn Football- Kudos to Mariano Rivera or Boston Sports (both of which would have made for interesting match ups against Big Papi) on fantastic years, but Auburn football made it in just as the calendar was approaching 2014. Auburn's upset of Alabama was monumental. And it was thrilling. Whenever something is monumental and thrilling, it becomes special. Since Auburn's win was special, it escalated them into the bracket. And since no one likes Joe Flacco, Diana Nyad or Daniel Bryan on Facebook, it also escalated them into the 4-5 game.
But this is all about David Ortiz. Sure, Auburn's win was nothing short of incredible. The kickoff return spanning the entire field to win the game on the final play to beat Alabama and knock them out of the national title picture and put themselves in it. The fact that they very well could win the National Championship now against an undefeated Florida State team (with a rapist!), even if that would technically be next season. Auburn should be proud. But David Ortiz led his Red Sox from worst to first, went 11-for-16 in the World Series and brought home a ring to a city tormented by the Boston Marathon bombings. If that doesn't deserve at least one win in this tournament, then I don't know what does. Well, obviously being the lamest and most overpaid quarterback in history also qualifies you, but still, congrats to Big Papi.
Moving on to the "Christmas Shoes Pop Culture" Region!
(1) Selena Gomez vs (8) Robin Thicke- Even this far into our bracket, I still can't fathom how Selena Gomez has more Facebook likes then Miley Cyrus. I thought for sure that Miley would be the one seed in this region, which might give a hint to who the favorite is to win this region since I am the almighty in this bracket. I guess Facebook is outdated, but still. Hannah Montana was always a bigger show then whatever Disney show Selena Gomez starred on. I honestly don't even remember and I am not looking it up in order to drive my point home harder. Yes, I'm stubborn in my writing too.
The calling card for Selena Gomez in 2013 was between her soap opera relationship with Justin Bieber and Spring Breakers. Of course, Spring Breakers isn't anything to be remotely proud of if you're aspiring to be a respectable actress. The following is either the iMDB plot summary for Spring Breakers or a horny, moronic fourteen year-old: Four college girls who land in jail after robbing a restaurant in order to fund their spring break vacation find themselves bailed out by a drug and arms dealer who wants them to do some dirty work. You be the judge. Regardless, it earned a lot of talk and buzz and probably a few spots on Inside Edition, I'll have to ask my mom since I'm convinced she's keeping that show on the air all by herself. One thing going for Selena in her quest to win 2013 is her temper tantrum at the KIIS FM Jingle Ball in early December. Gomez dropped the fuck-bomb when her mic had some technical difficulties and followed that fuck-bomb by walking off stage. See, even the girl who many critics have praised for turning out all right after being a Disney star dappled in a risqué, low budget movie and had a meltdown on stage. Goes to show you where are standards are at in 2013, obviously very low. Like, really low.
Robin Thicke gets ousted in this round for one reason. Sure, he had chart-topping hits galore in 2013 and was, unfortunately, the name behind the song of the summer ("Blurred Lines"). But, Thicke got away unscathed after his VMA's performance with Miley. Thicke had every reason that Miley did to be bashed by the media and yet, probably because he is a male, got nothing. It could have been George Bush Sr. or Steve Martin behind Cyrus twerking on stage, and we wouldn't know the difference by the tabloids. Thicke offered nothing in return to save Cyrus, either. He just went on living life while Miley took the heat from the media, with her head held high the entire time (high on what is a different story). So, Robin Thicke loses. I also just generally don't like the guy. So, yeah.
(2) Bruno Mars vs (7) Jennifer Lawrence- This isn't even really close and I have a lot to say about Jennifer Lawrence, so I'm going to save that for a matchup that is legit. Bruno Mars is only ranked so high because teenage girls throb over him and apparently, a lot of them went on Facebook and liked his page probably four years ago. I'm not the biggest fan of Bruno Mars, although Ellen DeGeneres likes him so that counts for something. But, sorry Ellen, J-Law has to move on. Regardless of who she was facing in this first round, she was. She could have faced Cousin Eddy from Christmas Vacation and I still would have pushed her past. You serious, Clark? Clark is very serious.
(3) Miley Cyrus vs (6) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson- In one corner, you have Dwayne Johnson, who made splashes on the big screen and in his home at the WWE all year long. And in the other corner, you have Miley Cyrus, who shocked a majority of us with her video for "We Can't Stop", shocked all of us with her performance at the VMA's, and then surprised no one on almost a daily basis with her childish antics, and then disappeared for a little bit. I mean, how does one decide between those two? Oh, plus bonus points to Dwayne Johnson just for being The Rock and for posting hilarious pictures of either himself at the gym, his family or his baking almost every single day on Facebook. Kudos, Rocky, kudos.
Before we go on any Miley bashing, let me settle this once and for all. I'm on Team Miley again. Somewhere between the third time I saw the "We Can't Stop" disturbingly creepy music video and the news that she got "Rolling Stone" tattooed on her foot for some reason, I left Team Miley. Her performance at the VMA's was immature and irresponsible for a celebrity of her nature on national television with millions of children watching her every move. Like I said before, though, Robin Thicke deserves equal blame, even if only about six people could be considered his "fans" at the time. Anyway, Miley didn't need to do that. She didn't need to make her "We Can't Stop" video as strange as she did. She didn't need to be butt naked in her "Wrecking Ball" video. She didn't need to invent the twerking epidemic (but really, she really didn't). But that's the thing, she did anyway. I've seen her interviews (her one with Ellen was my favorite). I've read her interview with Rolling Stone. I don't agree with her line in "We Can't Stop" that reads "Remember only God can judge ya, Forget the haters cause somebody loves ya" for two reasons. First, I'm always against artists rhyming words with the same freaking word. "Ya" does not rhyme with "ya". Don't do that. Second, God does not just sit back and watch people do whatever the hell they want and decide that its okay. It doesn't work that way. He forgives us all if we are truly sorry. He will judge us some day though for our actions. So acting like a slut and doing whatever the hell our heart desires is not acceptable in God's eyes. So don't do that. But still, I see what Miley is doing. The life of a child star is incredibly hard. I'm not giving her much sympathy, because she chose it, she made more money then I'll ever see and again, she could have walked away. But still, that responsibility and fame at such a young age can destroy you. And though some people might disagree with me, it didn't destroy Miley Cyrus because she didn't let it. Sure, she is expressing herself in ways that society doesn't always approve of. But she is making statements and hell, she is expressing herself, something most of us could do a little more often.
As for The Rock, his 2013 was just as successful, but not as philosophical. According to his iMDB, these are the movies that were released in 2013 that Dwayne Johnson appeared in: Snitch, GI Joe: Retaliation, Pain & Gain, Fast and the Furious 6, and Empire State. He also appeared in the WWE at Royal Rumble, Elimination Chamber and of course WrestleMania 29. He took the WWE Championship from CM Punk and feuded with John Cena. He also appeared on an episode of America's Book of Secrets. And if that wasn't enough, he even played a role in a "got milk" commercial that aired during the Super Bowl. For as busy as Miley Cyrus, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was just as occupied. I'm pretty sure the only thin The Rock didn't do in 2013 was shake his ass at the VMA's, and he might have done that from the comfort of his own home and posted the video to Twitter anyway. In really what might be the closest contest of this bracket, at least so far, I have to give this one to Miley Cyrus. You can't mention 2013 without mentioning the Miley hysteria. There were big time political and national news headlines that weren't getting the attention, especially the Syria storyline, that Miley Cyrus was getting. And this went on for months. So even though the People's Champ had an incredible year at the box office and in the squared ring, Miley had an incredible year in her own way. Cyrus to the next round!
(4) Justin Timberlake vs (5) KimYe- This is the ultimate battle between two of my favorite mainstream artists! I love me some JT and I love me some Kanye. Both of their albums from 2013 were very well received by the me. What might be the deciding factor in this is Kim Kardashian and the abysmal Bound 2 video that someone is responsible for producing. I can't even blame Kanye for that, someone could have stepped in and burned the video over night or something.
Justin Timberlake dazzled us all with his 20/20 Experience album (although I'm not sure if anyone really listened to the second part that was released later in the fall of this year. Its like the third Home Alone, we all remember hearing that it came out, but did anyone really pay attention to it?) and with his live performances of probably my favorite pop song of the year, "Suit and Tie". He made us laugh in his skits with Jimmy Fallon (hashtag I did it all for the cookie!). When talking about media buzz, most would concur that 2013 was the Year of Miley. But, success wise, it's hard to argue that 2013 was anyone else's but JT's. Of course, for his sake, we're just going to completely ignore the reunion he did with N'Sync. It really never happened.
Kanye West had a quieter 2013 then his standards usually allow for. He has been doing a lot more behind the scenes stuff with young artists, but that didn't stop him from releasing Yeezus. Originally, I hated the album so much that I was going to post a blog on here with my top ten reasons that I couldn't stand the album and how it was the worst of Kanye's career. I even had my top ten reasons ready. But the more I listened to the album, the more it grew on me, as Kanye songs usually do. I am convinced there is some kind of subliminal messaging in the lyrics that I can't consciously comprehend that makes me somehow enjoy his music. I can't stand the man, but damn does he make good music. And before it was ever popular (I know I sound like some Indie hipster right now), I loved "Bound 2". I vividly remember visiting my buddy over the summer right when Yeezus was released and forcing him to listen to it. He wasn't sold. He hated the girl in the background and he hated some of the simple lyrics (you remember when we first met, ha, I don't remember when we first met), which really, are a staple of Kanye's by now. He was more of a fan of New Slaves, which is also fantastic. The top four songs from that album, in order, are Bound 2, Blood on the Leaves, New Slaves and Black Skinhead. Hold My Liquor is probably in last. Anyway, like it did for me, the song eventually grew on him and now he loves it. If I don't get a job on the reincarnated 2014 version of TRL, then the year will be a disappointment for me.
In the end, the two were tied for me when trying to decide who moves on, but it came down to two things that I already mentioned. One, Kim Kardashian got way to much media coverage this year for really just being an annoying bitch with money. She also was linked to Kris Humphries, even if she did divorce him, and he got bitched by Rajon Rondo this year, so more points off there. And lastly, that Bound 2 music video was the biggest piece of garbage I had ever seen. I enjoy Kanye but I hate his personality. Like I could not ever stand meeting the guy because I think he is an asshole (or a swag hole, which my good pal Jenny coined mostly to describe Kanye, but really anyone who is being an asshole while trying to maintain a certain level of swag. It's brilliant). I'm sure the entirety of the video was his idea, and if I ever find out else wise, I won't believe it. So, Justin Timberlake, COME ON DOWN!
Keeping this going, we're playing with gadgets in the "Step into Christmas Technology" Region!
(1) Candy Crush vs (8) Vine- This is a lot like the '86 Celtics and the '96 Bulls somehow winding up in the first round of a "Best Team Ever" tournament. Or Alan Matthews taking on Danny Tanner in the opening round of a "Best TV Dad Ever" bracket. Of course, the '86 Celtics and Alan Matthews would take both of those home, but all three of these are prime situations of two juggernauts going at it early in the bracket.
Candy Crush was (is, I don't know if people still play it right now. I'm guessing some college freshman on their winter break is probably bored out of their mind, has already watched all of the seasons of Prison Break on Netfilix and is currently on level 4,563,152 of Candy Crush) a big deal for a while this past year. The game was originally a game on Facebook, but it was turned into an app like everything else and everyone was playing it. I even dappled in it once, made it to level 2 and stopped. Most people made it to level 2 and didn't stop playing for three days straight, in which they took a break of a glass of water and some human interaction, and got right back to it. Candy Crush as a prime personal example working in its favor. My manager, who doesn't work where I work anymore, was a middle-aged Indian man who spoke very broken English and had a stick up his ass 97% of the time. My first time meeting him when I was home for break one Christmas, he yelled at me for doing something wrong that I found out I was doing right later. Basically, he was a douche. But he loved Candy Crush. He couldn't stop playing. I would spot him in the office or break room during his shift playing a level because he was going through withdrawal. He asked everyone if they played. I'm pretty sure it was his go-to icebreaker for all of 2013. Where I would ask someone new if they could be any animal, what would they be and why, my man Dave would ask them what level they were on in Candy Crush. It was like a drug for most of the year, and I think people are just starting to go through rehab.
Vine, on the other hand, isn't a fad. Not that fads are looked down upon in this tournament. If anything, that helps. Look at Carly Rae Jepsen. She won the first annual "This Was Your Year" award and she didn't even sniff the tournament this year. She was a fad (is that an insult, to call someone a fad?). Vines, they aren't a fad. Vines are short, six second or so videos that are edited and usually play on some kind of societal pundit or stereotype. For example, I just watched a vine entitled "What its like to go shopping with me" where a kid is pushing a cart through what appears to be a Costco of some sort with another kid standing in the cart reenacting the scene in Titanic at the edge of the ship with Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" in the background. Why did some do that? That's a question you could ask about most vines. Most vines are really pathetic, stupid, corny, idiotic, racist or some mix of all of these things. Some are actually really funny, but they're rare. You gotta be lucky to come across them. Of course, everyone has that Facebook friend or person you follow on Twitter that posts or likes the dumbest vines, and you immediately consider unfriending or unfollowing them to teach them a lesson. Or at least I do.
In the end, when I think of 2013, I'm going to think of vines over Candy Crush. That's right, Dave and the Candy Crush Brigade have been toppled by the eight seed vines! So pop that bottle of Korbel, we're celebrating like its 1999! Which is now 15 years ago, so let that sink in.
(2) Netflix vs (7) iOS 7- I'll tell you right off the bat, I don't like iOS 7's chances for two important reasons right off the bat. One, its facing Netflix, a heavy favorite in Vegas right now. Two, it is a 7 seed and it is iOS 7. Just saying.
The new update of the iPhone software was a big deal for about a week, while everyone complained about having to even go through the update in the first place. I don't own an iPhone, so I didn't have to endure the update. But, I heard mostly good things about the update and how it went over smoothly. However, I did hear a good deal of complaints where people had to download the update multiple times or spend hours waiting for the thing to load and complete. This is why I have a side phone right now with a keypad. Sure, I might have a phone that would have made me cool back in 2004, but thats okay. 50 Cent isn't cool anymore and he was cool in 2004.
Netflix takes this one in a landslide. What was once a company that focused on people ordering a DVD, watching it, sending it back in mail and ordering a new one is now a streaming icon. Netflix is to college kids what SoapNet is to elderly women. The mailing DVD option isn't what it used to be, and Netflix isn't even as big in the movie area as it is now in the TV show section. Binge watching is almost as popular as binge drinking is in the Hogan household. Binge watching is watching an entire TV series in one sitting or one weekend or one ridiculously short amount of time. Its awesome. I haven't binge watched like some people have, I know people who have watched four or five series of TV shows in one week's time. However, I did binge watch multiple seasons of Mad Men, all of the seasons of The IT Crowd and Arrested Development, and zero seasons of Burn Notice. I've also binge watched a lot of Breaking Bad, although I still haven't seen the entire series. I am waiting to be snowed in one weekend coming up so I can knock that out, followed by House of Cards, Rescue Me, Arrow, the rest of Weeds, and the rest of Lost. I need to do all of this before the newest season of Mad Men returns to AMC and the next season of Survivor debuts. Believe it or not, I am engaged. I do have a life. It might not always sound like it in this blog, but I do. Well, kind of. Although, I am not ashamed to admit that my fiancé got me all six Star Wars movies on DVD and blu-ray! I understand how dorky this might sound to the majority of my readers (no I don't, i couldn't even begin to take a guess as to what kind of audience my blog attracts), but I don't care. I am a HUGE Star Wars guru and I could not have asked for a better gift. Unless instead of the Star Wars: Attack of the Clones disc, they replaced it with Family Guy Blue Harvest episode, then it would have that much better! But really, I mean it when I say that I have the best fiancé imaginable.
The cultural movement that is Netflix isn't going anywhere, either. If Netflix can keep getting the most recent seasons of hit TV shows, the subscriptions won't go anywhere and they'll only keep growing. And if they can keep it so they don't need to advertise at all on the website or during the programming, even better. Nothing scares people away quicker then a "your video will start in 30 seconds" advertisement on the internet. Bet on Netflix, folks. Now that I'm done college, I'm going to need big people problems to procrastinate with so I can spend time with Netflix. Oh wait, I need to plan a wedding. Should I start House of Cards or Arrow, folks?
(3) Bitstrips vs (6) iPhone 5s- The bitstrips craze is genuinely confusing to me. I consider myself to be pretty hip on the lingo these days, but I don't get bitstrips. At all. I also don't own an iPhone 5. Therefore, in no way can I make this too personal or biased. So, Suck It.
As far as I can tell, bitstrips are little animated scenes that people create of themselves with a friend or two or sometimes just alone. The animated selfie gets into some silly situation with a friend, has the friend do something goofy or stupid, or just has their selfie do something that "they'd totally do". People make fun of me for enjoying milk. Like, for really enjoying milk. I often crave a nice glass of milk by itself, and apparently most people just can't fathom that or even get grossed out by it. So, it would be totally appropriate for me to make a bitstrip cartoon of myself, probably four-eleven times more handsome and and stronger than I actually am, having a big glass of milk with one of my friends slyly saying "oh, of course. We should have figured Pat would be by the milk!". And really, that is it. There is nothing else to it. If we get invaded by aliens and they come across bitstrips while deciding on whether or not to destroy our planet, we're all fucked.
The iPhone 5s was a bigger craze and made more sense. Aliens would probably just laugh at it while comparing it to their technology and move on, they probably wouldn't just blow us up for it. So it has that going for it. But the iPhone 5s craze loses some luster because it is the same thing every single year. For example, what year did the iPhone 3 come out? Or the iPhone 2? You probably don't remember unless you're Ashton Kutcher, a pompous software engineer at Apple or Samuel L Jackson or Zooey Deschanel. My point is Apple releases a new iPhone almost every single year. Is it really something to remember 2013 by? I don't know. On one hand, it was a huge deal. They didn't have enough made to handle the purchases at one point. People had the release date circled on their calendar for weeks and months. Brick killed a guy to get one. On the other hand, that is just going to happen again this year or next year when the iPhone 6r2d2 comes out. Do we keep spoon feeding Apple for the same old iPhone release? We need to shake the Trophy generation tag eventually! In the end, tie goes to the runner, right? We're doing a bracket asking the question "who does 2013 belong to?". At first glance, does 2013 belong to the iPhone 5s release or bitstrips? When you put it that bluntly, it is easier. The iPhone 5s moves on to round two.
(4) Snapchat vs (5) Google Glass- Gather around, readers. We might be looking at the 2014 "This Was Your Year" award winner. And its not Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Google Glass made it this year because of the weak pool of technology candidates. I mean, did you get a look at the honorable mentions? Twitter going public made it. That's not even a technology, that was an event. So, I put Google Glass in and was actually shocked by the amount of likes it had on Facebook. What coerced almost 44,000 people to like the Google Glass page on Facebook? Was free alcohol involved in this? Or Ryan Seacrest? Either way, Google Glass just isn't popular enough yet to win this thing (or obviously move on to the second round). Keyword not being either, or popular, or thing. Keyword being yet. Because I think Google Glass will hit it big in 2014, I really do. I don't think I'll every buy one unless, you know, they become the next cell phone (imagine people from pre-cell phone days saying the same thing. "I'm never buying one of those pieces of woo-hah crap! Why would I need to talk to people that bother me all the time? Talking to them through the wall is bad enough, ya see." For the record, I had Grandpa Walton do that imitation for me.). They might, who knows. But I think the Google Glass is a little too weird for me to ever shell out the cold hard cash for a pair. I don't need to be told directions to the nearest Ruby Tuesday through my glasses. I CAN FIND THE DAMN PLACE MYSELF, NOW THE NEXT PERSON WHO MAKES A PEEP IS GETTING THIS CAR TURNED THE HELL AROUND!
Yeah, Snapchat wins.
For the final act of the first round, we have the "Frosty the Snowman Politics and Inanimate Objects" Region, y'all...
(1) Barack Obama vs (8) Government Shutdown- I don't think Alanis Morisette could be any prouder of how this one turned out. Like one thousand spoons when all you need is a knife or meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife, we have the President of the Good Ol' US of A, Barack Obama going up against the very thing he had to endure at the hands of the Republicans, the government shutdown. If that just lost me all of my conservative readers, I guess I should even the playing field and lose my liberal readers, too. I support Phil Robertson. There, that should just about do it.
I mean, can Obama really lose in the first round? He made it to the Elite Eight last year before ultimately meeting his demise against those pesky Mayans and December 21, 2012. Can Obama really lose to the shutdown that was outlasted by Obama? The shutdown brought about lots of talk of impeachment and Obama being a shitty president (good point, thats actually been here since 2008), but hey. Last time I checked, Obama is still the President. The shutdown was a big deal because anytime the government stops doing government stuff for a few weeks, people panic and begin to worry. Just like when people panic when a big blizzard comes by and suddenly everyone needs enough bread to last them through their funeral, people don't like the idea of the government being off. But still, Obama was the President this past year. He endured the Syria bullshit, he endured the Obamacare bullshit, he actually endured the government shutdown, and he endured President Cowboy's terrific rant on Facebook. If he can endure all of that, I see no way he can't endure the first round of this tournament. Plus, he already beat the shutdown once, we're doing it again baby! Four more years! Four more years! We like Ike! We like Ike! One more match! One more match! YES! YES! JUMP AROUND, JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP!
(2) Breaking Bad vs (7) Twerking- Moments like this are when I question the Commissioner's idea of ranking these things by Facebook likes. Twerking should not be a seven seed, and this matchup should be happening closer to the Elite Eight rather then the opening round. Both Breaking Bad's final season and the twerking epidemic were gigantic in 2013 and deserve to go further then the first freaking round. Is there anyway I can reseed before any games are played and start over? I guess one of these two is going to have to be the Arizona Cardinals of this year's bracket. Let's take a look.
Breaking Bad was big. I mean, really big. AMC ran a marathon running the entire series non-stop leading up to the series finale on the Sunday that it ran. I don't know how many people tuned into that marathon, but I can tell you that I used a lot of my time here on Earth in front of the TV watching that marathon. I didn't get to the fourth season (still, I vow to one day for Hal's sake), but I rewatched the first two seasons and saw some of the third and I'll tell you, that show is perfect. I can think of no flaws. It is never too dry, or too slow, or too repetitive, or too predictable, or toodark, or too anything except for too awesome. I love it! I really need to see the entire series form start to finish to fully appreciate it, but even now I know it will be my favorite show by that point. That's right folks, more then Mad Men. Let that sink in, I was even Don Draper for Halloween (which was a huge flop, don't get out of your seat). Breaking Bad was genius on a TV screen (Patrick, your genius is showing) and the whole nation appreciated that. Bryan Cranston made it last year but he didn't this year only because I needed to include the entire cast, from the writers to the janitor who cleaned Cranston's shoes. I don't know if they do that in show business, but hey, you never know.
Really, the finale of Breaking Bad was historic. It brought in a record 10.3 million viewers! That is astounding! To put that in perspective of the year it had and the popularity it gained going into that fifth and final season, the fourth season finale had just (just, lol) 1.9 million viewers. Attribute some of that to our friends at Netflix, but attribute a lot of that to the creative writers and awesome acting from the cast and fantastic all around production of Breaking Bad. To gain about ten million viewers in one season is incredible. Simply stunning. AMC was able to charge up to $400,000 for a 30 second commercial during the finale, which while comparing to the million dollar ads played during the Super Bowl, is also kind of incredible. So, what I'm trying to say is that it would be hard for anyone to beat Breaking Bad in the first round, especially when pictures like this and videos like this one exist. Unless of course, you are twerking.
Twerking pretty much came to the front stage of pop culture when Miley and Robin Thicke twerked on national television during the VMA's. However, people have been twerking for years. I don't mean to be racist or to stereotype anyone, but black girls twerk like there is no tomorrow. Thats all they fucking do. They eat, sleep and breathe twerking. Miley just did it on TV with some loser placing himself gently on her ass. But holy shit, after the VMA's, twerking spread like wildfire. You had college kids and high schoolers doing it at parties and after school. You probably had middle schoolers doing it at their field trips to the museum or the PathMark (funny story you'll probably skip right over, I went on a field trip to a PathMark when I was in kindergarten!). You had Jimmy Kimmel and the twerking girl catching on fire video prank. Everybody was twerking. It was like the Macarena only a lot more disturbing and a lot more enjoyable for fourteen year-old boys. Some people thought it was wrong, some people thought it was too provocative, some people did it on their way into work as a joke and some people probably still don't know what it is (those people are also probably unaware that John Lennon is dead, but hey, I'm sure they're out there). Twerking swept the nation and as embarrassing as that sentence might be, its true. So, it brings us to the age old debate, what was more popular in 2013? Breaking Bad or twerking?
I can't explain to you how much time I put into this thought. I actually took a break to eat some chocolate covered M&M pretzels that my aunt makes (they are addicting to the point that I might need help) and to really think this over. I mean, Breaking Bad was the show of the year, regardless of what you think. If you think otherwise, you are wrong. But twerking was like the mass hysteria of the year, the fad of the year. For a solid month or so, everyone was talking about twerking and just about everyone was doing it. It was a craze, like a huge craze. How do you decipher between them fairly? I could flip a coin, but is that fair? No. Is it fun? Maybe, but then I need to get up and find a coin and flip it. So, I've made my decision. Moving on to the Sweet Sixteen is...twerking. I can't do it. As much as I want to advance Breaking Bad, for society's sake (although, the show is about a meth dealer and is really dark, so I mean, take your pick), I just can't discount what a huge craze twerking was this past year. People talked about it so often, you would have thought it was an actual word in the English dictionary! But really, it passed the test of every single human being knew about this twerking hysteria. They may not have known what it was, Google did announce that "what is twerking" was the most popular search beginning with "what is" this year, but they did know it was happening. And thats enough. Twerking wins the Super Bowl of the first round and advances.
(3) Hump Day Camel vs (6) Rob Ford- Like I said, the ranking can get a little funky in this. I in no way expected the hump day camel to be a three seed. And I loved Rob Ford and his wacky life too much to see him suffer as a six seed. I don't think I need to analyze either of these folks for anyone, or at least not the hump day camel. The hump day camel was the camel in the infamous Geico commercial. The camel walks around a quiet office asking everyone "what day is it", until finally an annoyed employee answers "its hump day". The camel is excited and starts screaming "It's Hump DAY!". That is it. But it was such a huge hit, especially on the internet. Even my fiancé's neighbor's nine year-old daughter was saying it over and over again on our vacation in August. I'm telling you, I feel bad for this generation. When I was nine back in 2001, we had George W and Missy Elliot. These kids have the hump day camel and Justin Bieber.
Rob Ford was slightly more entertaining and by slightly, I mean infinitely. Rob Ford is the Toronto mayor who was busted for smoking crack. The video went viral and it includes Ford sweating, cursing profusely and even threatening to kill someone (he even imitates how he's going to do it and confidently proclaims how he can kick the shit out of this guy). Its gold. Rob Ford needs to move on and I don't owe anyone an explanation. He had too perfect of a year to not move on past the hump day camel. I hated the hump day camel almost as much as I hated YOLO last year. Well, that might be too bold. I really hated YOLO.
(4) Harlem Shake vs (5) Selfie- And in our final contest of the first round, we have the Harlem Shake bonanza going up against the selfie generation. Both were really popular when they hit the mainstream, but only one remained popular. Only one will live on in 2014 and after. The selfie, ladies and gentlemen.
The Harlem Shake was fun for about a week, and then it joined the table in the musty corner with YOLO and the hump day camel at my bracket banquet. The Harlem Shake was a video with one person dancing by themselves for about fifteen seconds, followed by a quick cut to about twenty or so people dancing with obscure costumes, strange dance moves or anything else thats completely ridiculous. Some were funny, like the Miami Heat actually put a pretty good one together. Others were just stupid. And by others, I mean almost all of them.
The selfie needs no introduction or explanation. It is literally just taking a picture of yourself doing anything. They just have a word for it now. A selfie. Everyone is doing them to the point that they aren't going anywhere anytime soon. I see them constantly on Facebook and Twitter and I'm sure they are even more popular on Instagram. Selfie's are the new polaroids baby! SHAKE IT LIKE A SELFIE PICTURE, HEY YA! Selfie to the Sweet Sixteen!
Alas, the "Do They Know Its Christmas Sports" Region!
(1) LeBron James vs (4) David Ortiz- Last year, LeBron took home the gold in the sports region, and he is doing so again this year. The man is a global icon and he's winning. He is famous and really damn good at basketball. If we took the four greatest players from their respective sports in terms of the four major American sports (let's say they were LeBron from basketball, Miguel Cabrera from baseball, healthy Adrian Peterson from football, and _______ from hockey), LeBron is light years better than all of them. He is more athletically gifted than anyone in the world right now. Do you know how incredible of an accomplishment that is? LeBron James is better at being an athlete than anybody in the entire world. Let that sink in and try and tell me he doesn't win the sports region.
However, kudos to Big Papi on a great turnaround! It will probably be his last run on this bracket since he is getting up there in age (this is where all of the Yankees fans/Red Sox bashers/assholes chime in and tell me that Ortiz is on steroids)(this is where I don't give a who I don't give a what!). Ortiz has a World Series ring and a run to the Nugget Blog "This Was Your Year" Award Elite Eight, all while carrying the city of Boston on his back. I mean, you decide for yourself what is the most impressive of those three things, but that's a pretty solid 2013 still. But, LeBron > overweight designated hitters who really stood out for only a month when you think about it.
LeBron takes the sports region, Jim, now to the "Christmas Shoes Pop Culture and Entertainment" Region!
(3) Miley Cyrus vs (7) Jennifer Lawrence- Okay, now to bring out the big guns that I've been holding back since the beginning for J-Law. I'm going to give you two scenarios, one being a list of accomplishments of Jennifer Lawrence in 2013 and one being a list of accomplishments that I just completely made up. You have to decipher which is the real one.
Scenario 1- Turned 24 years old in August, won the Academy Award for Best Actress, although it might not have been in 2013, she graduated from high school two years early with a 3.9 GPA, she made TIME's Most Influential People list and even graced one of seven different covers, she was on the cover of People for the 25 Most Intriguing People issue, she was on a different late night talk show just about every other night throughout the year, Hunger Games: Catching Fire was released and saw huge success (as of January 5, 2014, Catching Fire has grossed $830,539,699 worldwide, making it the 36th highest grossing film of all freaking time), played a supporting role in American Hustle and has been nominated for Best Supporting Actress by the Golden Globes, the Screen Actors Guild, and the Critic's Choice Awards, was announced to have a role in East of Eden (set out in 2015, along with Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, Part 1 comes out in 2014, also with J-Law) as well as The Rules of Inheritance, appeared in The Devil You Know (although she didn't have any lines and the movie itself didn't get rave reviews, so maybe we shouldn't mention this for her sake), she hosted Saturday Night Live, named Associated Press's Entertainer of the Year, and to cap it all off, she was ranked No. 1 on AskMen's list of the Top 99 Most Desirable Women of the Year.
Scenario 2- Invented a time traveling machine, walked on water, made Kristen Stewart giggle and had a cheesesteak with the Pope. You tell me what would be a more impressive year.
Jennifer Lawrence literally made 2013 her bitch. She was chosen for countless other awards that I didn't even include in there because I kept finding out new ones. She's going to need five mantles in her home just to fit all of these. And its not even like she was annoying, like Miley was for most of the year. Jennifer Lawrence has the most down to earth personality in all of Hollywood. For example, on her appearance on Late Night with David Letterman, Letterman went Creepy Old Man Letterman on us and brought out a blanket to climb under with Lawrence on the couch. Most people would have pepper sprayed Dave in that situation, but Lawrence laughed it off and played along. Why? Either she's cool and free-spiritied and laid back or she's secretly just as creepy. For the benefit of the doubt, we'll go with free-spirited. I mean, look at how she handled tripping at the Oscars. Look at how she interviews when people ask her stupid questions. Look at how she cut her hair, took criticism and talked about the importance of inner beauty. Look at how great of a role model she is for the young generation and how inspiring she can be to twenty somethings who have a dream. Look at how she doesn't conform to the Hollywood myth of weighing under 45 pounds to actually be attractive. She is a role model and a true personality, and incredibly successful. Miley, it was a good run and you definitely had your fifteen minutes of fame in 2013. 2013 will be remembered in years to come as the Summer of Miley, there is no doubt about that. But, Jennifer Lawrence did too much in 2013 in a better fashion than Miss Cyrus. Thanks for coming, Miley. At least we got to ring in the new year with you!
Jennifer Lawrence to the Final Four!
With two tickets punched to the big dance, we check in on the "Step into Christmas Technology" Region!
(2) Netflix vs (4) Snapchats- Whenever a phase becomes a cultural boom, something big is happening. Unfortunately for the committee who has to decide here, both Netflix and Snapchat were examples of that in 2013. Suddenly, people started binge watching TV shows and staying in on Friday nights to watch movies on Netflix. And suddenly, people got the new iPhone and immediately started sending text messages of their faces or their food or some short six second video to their friends who also had iPhones who were also sending text messages of their faces or their food or some short six second video to their friends who also had iPhones...and well, you get the point. But what do you notice in that last sentence? Other than some dumb reasoning, which has really been throughout this entire novel so we can't stop here (Miley won't go away!), we notice that the key there is people with iPhones. Anyone can buy Netflix, and while I suppose anyone can buy an iPhone, anyone can also use Netflix. By that I mean people don't need a Netflix account to take part in the beauty of the invention. Through using other people's passwords and through watching Netflix at a buddy's house, anyone with a pulse can enjoy the extensive TV show and movie library. Just because you're alive, doesn't give you access to Snapchat. You actually have to go buy an iPhone (unless you're drunk Snapchatting on your friends phone) (also, I think I just used the word "Snapchatting"?).
For as big as Snapchats were in 2013, Netflix was simply bigger. And sure, its been around for a while, but that actually helps me in my defense of sending Netflix past Snapchat. Netflix is like a wine getting better with age or Barry Bonds. Netflix is like Stiffler's mom in American Pie or Paula from 40 Year-Old Virgin. Netflix is like all of the dorks in high school who got picked on by the kids who are going to be on welfare while said dorks run the world in about ten years. Netflix kicked more ass when it got older than ever before, and that is impressive and inspiring to those going through a mid life crisis who are reading this. Those of you in that category, I want you to pour yourself a drink, kick back with a bowl of queso dip and a bag of chips, and put on some Breaking Bad (Breaking Bad won't go away, either!) on your Netflix and take the rest of the day off. That's how you tango.
And last and depending on how you feel about politics and inanimate objects, least, we turn to the the "Frosty the Snowman Politics and Inanimate Objects" Region!
(5) Selfie vs (7) Twerking- Twerking was coming out of this region as soon as it upset Breaking Bad. I could have told you that way back to save you the trouble, but that'd be a spoiler and who really enjoys spoilers? Not true, I used to. Back when I watched Survivor like it was a pre-requistie for being alive, I used to always go online and look for spoilers. Of course, this was fresh Internet time in my household, when I would have to unhook the telephone and pray one of my family members wasn't being rushed to the hospital and desperately calling us to no avail all because I wanted to know if Rupert was going to be voted off or not. But, nevertheless, spoiler alert, twerking to the Final Four.
One last thought on selfies. What the hell took mankind so long to start taking them? I mean, the concept is too easy for it to have not happened already. Taking a picture of yourself? That is all a selfie is. Why did this not become a big thing until 2013? When was the camera invented? As early as the 19th century, apparently. So why wasn't Harriet Tubman taking selfies on the Underground Railroad? I'll answer that. Because now, people are so obsessed with themselves that selfie's are a thing. Of course Tubman wasn't going to take a selfie, she was preoccupied with saving slaves. Of course JFK wasn't going to take any selfie's, he was busy running a country. In today's world, we are all so focused on "I", that we forget about what else we can be doing. Why do people feel the need to take a selfie and post it to Facebook every single day? A selfie every now and then, okay. A selfie to send to your loved one or family member, I totally get that. A selfie to show off how happy you are this morning and that you're going to be "extra fierce today" and warning your Facebook friends and the world to "watch out"? I don't get that. Did I really just spend an entire paragraph explaining why selfie isn't worthy of beating out twerking? Good riddance, 2013.
Daniel Bryan was my vote for Wrestler of the Year amidst all of Cena and Orton's accolades. Although he only held the WWE championship for a total of about .33453 seconds, he at least crossed "winning the big one" off if his list officially. He also resonated with the crowds like no superstar has in years. Bryan's "NO" turned "YES" chant rings the bells of Stone Cold Steve Austin's "What?" chant and even the "YOU SUCK" chants during Kurt Angle's theme song. I even think the "YES" chants get more a pop. On one of the final RAW episodes of the year and right before TLC, Triple H had a bunch of previous World Heavyweight and WWE champions out in the ring (reminding all of us that someone was drunk enough to give Great Khali the World Heavyweight belt at one point) for a promo revolving around the unification. For a solid five or six minutes, the crowd chanted "YES" and "DANIEL BRYAN" during John Cena's brilliant performance on the mic. The fans love Daniel Bryan and WWE should get all that it can from that fact in 2014.
That being said, LeBron James still moves on. Sure, Bryan had a fantastic 2013 with the wrastling and stuff. But, LeBron won his second NBA championship in a row and made his third straight appearance there. He won another MVP award. He kicked the asses of everyone in the league. He came up clutch multiple times. He was a part of a Miami Heat team (excuse me, the best player on a Miami Heat team) that won 27 games in a row (second most all time). And perhaps is biggest accomplishment, a two for one, he beat Tim Duncan fair and square in one of the most exciting NBA Finals in history. A seven game thriller that coupled with LeBron winning over a good portion of his "haters" is what pushes James into the Sweet Sixteen. Personally, by beating out one of my favorite players in the NBA, LeBron gained a lot of respect in my book. He did what he had to do with an ailing Dwyane Wade and a struggling Chris Bosh. Ignore the miracle Ray Allen three and barrage of Shane Battier three's in Game 7 for a moment, will you? Bron-Bron moves on.
(2) Andy Murray vs (7) Diana Nyad- In possibly the most boring duel of the bracket, we find a bald tennis player and an elderly swimmer (I'm sure TBS is working on a sitcom comparable to this pairing, which will probably be called Stay in Your Lane). It's 2013, ladies and gentlemen, and diversity is a wooden ship! But, since most of you probably already know who Andy Murray is, let me give you some background on our girl, Diana. Back in early September, Diana became the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida without a protective cage (I guess someone did the swim with a cage around them, what a pussy). It took the 64 year-old 53 hours to accomplish the feat. It also took her five tries and 35 years. The moral of the story is to keep trying until either you do it or a shark tears you limb from limb. According to this story from CNN, Nyad resorted to singing lullabies to help her relax and take her mind off the vomiting she was going through as a result of the immense amounts of salty seawater in her system. I mean, if that isn't a desperate attempt to win this bracket, I don't know what is.
Andy Murray, on the other hand, became the first British man to win a Wimbledon's single championship since the immortal Fred Perry did so in 1936. A lot of tennis guru's, and really only tennis guru's, would argue that this was the sports moment of the year. Thus, with that accomplishment, one would think that Murray should move past Nyad to the next round, right? Since both of these two didn't have an incredible year as a whole and their feats were more of moments, it comes down to which moment was bigger this year. Media wise, Andy Murray takes this in a landslide. However, I think Nyad deserves some media attention FINALLY after swimming from freaking Cuba to Florida, without a protective cage of course. Anyone who argues this decision to put Nyad in the Sweet Sixteen can bring out a phonebook, look up Andy Murray's cell phone number, get a hold of him, and embark on a swim across the Atlantic Ocean with your tennis pal. At some point out in the waters, I want you both to send me a picture of you guys throwing up so I can reverse the decision. Then and only then. Nyad, see ya tomorrow night!
(3) Peyton Manning vs (6) Joe Flacco- Only on my 2013 bracket could we not only find a rematch of last year's incredible divisional matchup overtime thriller between Peyton Manning and Joe Flacco, but also we find Joe Flacco on here period. First of all, that division round game needs another shout out for the sheer awesomeness of it (especially if we're talking 2013. Peyton doesn't throw 7 touchdown passes in Week 1 if he's not still out of his mind pissed off about that loss). That double overtime game was one of the top three football games I've watched in my entire life. Off the top of my head, last year's Super Bowl ranks number one, obviously. Number two might be that Broncos-Ravens game. Number three should be the first Super Bowl that the Ravens won back in 2000, but I was only eight at the time and only barely remember it. So, instead, I think I will say the Miracle at the Meadowlands from a few years ago when the Eagles came back in the fourth quarter against the Giants. Being from Philly, that game was fantastic to watch unfold. Well, then again the AFC Championship Game from last season was up there because of the way we made Tom Brady look. Pretty much, you can gift wrap all of last season's Ravens playoff games for me and call it a day.
All the haters and critics out there will tell me that I'm a fool for including Joe Flacco on this list at all. But, to them and to the people who might think I am a homer (I am definitely a homer), I remind you that I included Eli Manning in last year's honorable mentions just for winning the Super Bowl. That might be an unwritten tradition on this list now. If you win the Super Bowl, you are automatically at least in the honorable mentions. I can't wait for Mike Glennon to win the Super Bowl in two years so he can make this list. However, Flacco did't just win the Super Bowl this year. Flacco beat Andrew Luck and ChuckStrong, followed by Peyton Manning and the 1 seed Broncos in Denver, followed by Tom Brady and the January juggernaunt Patriots in Foxboro, and then the red hot 49ers and that stingy defense and the blackout in the Super Bowl. That alone is worthy of winning this whole thing (see, I am absolutely a homer). But Flacco went on and signed a record breaking contract (totally did not deserve it, but I'm backing him up anyway. As for the organization, the sole reason they missed the playoffs this season is because of the money they threw at Joe and the shit they took on the rest of the team), paraded around on TV like an actual celebrity despite being one of the most mundane human beings alive AND starred in a string of half funny McDonalds commercials. And actually, half funny is being generous. On second thought, those commercials could be the downfall of Joe in this bracket.
Peyton Manning had a pretty nice 2013 himself though. He rebounded nicely from a poor start, alas, the playoff meltdown. Although giving credit where credit is due, Peyton was not all to blame for that loss. The defense was sloppy, Rahim Moore tried to be a hero and ended up being a posterboy for high school defensive back coaches everywhere, and the Ravens had the destiny factor working in their factor. Peyton was unable to throw the ball much further then what seemed like six feet, but hey. We're focusing on the Peyton Manning who won Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year. We're focusing on the Peyton Manning who put up a statistical season that broke records (most touchdowns and passing yards in a season, unless the league takes that away) and will likely earn him a fifth MVP. We're focusing on the Peyton Manning who made us laugh in commercials and on the TV screen. We're focusing on the Peyton Manning who worked harder then any other sports figure in the past year to continue rehabbing, to continue getting better despite being on his way out and to rebound from a crushing defeat. That Peyton Manning gets the attention...but he doesn't get the win. Remember folks, I'm taking all kinds of advantage of a) this being the only year I can get away with moving Joe past Peyton and b) the fact that I am the only voter. In any other method, Peyton would probably move on. But in my dictatorship, Flacco gets one step closer to winning 2013. We Want Joe! We Want Joe!
(4) David Ortiz vs (5) Auburn Football- Kudos to Mariano Rivera or Boston Sports (both of which would have made for interesting match ups against Big Papi) on fantastic years, but Auburn football made it in just as the calendar was approaching 2014. Auburn's upset of Alabama was monumental. And it was thrilling. Whenever something is monumental and thrilling, it becomes special. Since Auburn's win was special, it escalated them into the bracket. And since no one likes Joe Flacco, Diana Nyad or Daniel Bryan on Facebook, it also escalated them into the 4-5 game.
But this is all about David Ortiz. Sure, Auburn's win was nothing short of incredible. The kickoff return spanning the entire field to win the game on the final play to beat Alabama and knock them out of the national title picture and put themselves in it. The fact that they very well could win the National Championship now against an undefeated Florida State team (with a rapist!), even if that would technically be next season. Auburn should be proud. But David Ortiz led his Red Sox from worst to first, went 11-for-16 in the World Series and brought home a ring to a city tormented by the Boston Marathon bombings. If that doesn't deserve at least one win in this tournament, then I don't know what does. Well, obviously being the lamest and most overpaid quarterback in history also qualifies you, but still, congrats to Big Papi.
Moving on to the "Christmas Shoes Pop Culture" Region!
(1) Selena Gomez vs (8) Robin Thicke- Even this far into our bracket, I still can't fathom how Selena Gomez has more Facebook likes then Miley Cyrus. I thought for sure that Miley would be the one seed in this region, which might give a hint to who the favorite is to win this region since I am the almighty in this bracket. I guess Facebook is outdated, but still. Hannah Montana was always a bigger show then whatever Disney show Selena Gomez starred on. I honestly don't even remember and I am not looking it up in order to drive my point home harder. Yes, I'm stubborn in my writing too.
The calling card for Selena Gomez in 2013 was between her soap opera relationship with Justin Bieber and Spring Breakers. Of course, Spring Breakers isn't anything to be remotely proud of if you're aspiring to be a respectable actress. The following is either the iMDB plot summary for Spring Breakers or a horny, moronic fourteen year-old: Four college girls who land in jail after robbing a restaurant in order to fund their spring break vacation find themselves bailed out by a drug and arms dealer who wants them to do some dirty work. You be the judge. Regardless, it earned a lot of talk and buzz and probably a few spots on Inside Edition, I'll have to ask my mom since I'm convinced she's keeping that show on the air all by herself. One thing going for Selena in her quest to win 2013 is her temper tantrum at the KIIS FM Jingle Ball in early December. Gomez dropped the fuck-bomb when her mic had some technical difficulties and followed that fuck-bomb by walking off stage. See, even the girl who many critics have praised for turning out all right after being a Disney star dappled in a risqué, low budget movie and had a meltdown on stage. Goes to show you where are standards are at in 2013, obviously very low. Like, really low.
Robin Thicke gets ousted in this round for one reason. Sure, he had chart-topping hits galore in 2013 and was, unfortunately, the name behind the song of the summer ("Blurred Lines"). But, Thicke got away unscathed after his VMA's performance with Miley. Thicke had every reason that Miley did to be bashed by the media and yet, probably because he is a male, got nothing. It could have been George Bush Sr. or Steve Martin behind Cyrus twerking on stage, and we wouldn't know the difference by the tabloids. Thicke offered nothing in return to save Cyrus, either. He just went on living life while Miley took the heat from the media, with her head held high the entire time (high on what is a different story). So, Robin Thicke loses. I also just generally don't like the guy. So, yeah.
(2) Bruno Mars vs (7) Jennifer Lawrence- This isn't even really close and I have a lot to say about Jennifer Lawrence, so I'm going to save that for a matchup that is legit. Bruno Mars is only ranked so high because teenage girls throb over him and apparently, a lot of them went on Facebook and liked his page probably four years ago. I'm not the biggest fan of Bruno Mars, although Ellen DeGeneres likes him so that counts for something. But, sorry Ellen, J-Law has to move on. Regardless of who she was facing in this first round, she was. She could have faced Cousin Eddy from Christmas Vacation and I still would have pushed her past. You serious, Clark? Clark is very serious.
(3) Miley Cyrus vs (6) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson- In one corner, you have Dwayne Johnson, who made splashes on the big screen and in his home at the WWE all year long. And in the other corner, you have Miley Cyrus, who shocked a majority of us with her video for "We Can't Stop", shocked all of us with her performance at the VMA's, and then surprised no one on almost a daily basis with her childish antics, and then disappeared for a little bit. I mean, how does one decide between those two? Oh, plus bonus points to Dwayne Johnson just for being The Rock and for posting hilarious pictures of either himself at the gym, his family or his baking almost every single day on Facebook. Kudos, Rocky, kudos.
Before we go on any Miley bashing, let me settle this once and for all. I'm on Team Miley again. Somewhere between the third time I saw the "We Can't Stop" disturbingly creepy music video and the news that she got "Rolling Stone" tattooed on her foot for some reason, I left Team Miley. Her performance at the VMA's was immature and irresponsible for a celebrity of her nature on national television with millions of children watching her every move. Like I said before, though, Robin Thicke deserves equal blame, even if only about six people could be considered his "fans" at the time. Anyway, Miley didn't need to do that. She didn't need to make her "We Can't Stop" video as strange as she did. She didn't need to be butt naked in her "Wrecking Ball" video. She didn't need to invent the twerking epidemic (but really, she really didn't). But that's the thing, she did anyway. I've seen her interviews (her one with Ellen was my favorite). I've read her interview with Rolling Stone. I don't agree with her line in "We Can't Stop" that reads "Remember only God can judge ya, Forget the haters cause somebody loves ya" for two reasons. First, I'm always against artists rhyming words with the same freaking word. "Ya" does not rhyme with "ya". Don't do that. Second, God does not just sit back and watch people do whatever the hell they want and decide that its okay. It doesn't work that way. He forgives us all if we are truly sorry. He will judge us some day though for our actions. So acting like a slut and doing whatever the hell our heart desires is not acceptable in God's eyes. So don't do that. But still, I see what Miley is doing. The life of a child star is incredibly hard. I'm not giving her much sympathy, because she chose it, she made more money then I'll ever see and again, she could have walked away. But still, that responsibility and fame at such a young age can destroy you. And though some people might disagree with me, it didn't destroy Miley Cyrus because she didn't let it. Sure, she is expressing herself in ways that society doesn't always approve of. But she is making statements and hell, she is expressing herself, something most of us could do a little more often.
As for The Rock, his 2013 was just as successful, but not as philosophical. According to his iMDB, these are the movies that were released in 2013 that Dwayne Johnson appeared in: Snitch, GI Joe: Retaliation, Pain & Gain, Fast and the Furious 6, and Empire State. He also appeared in the WWE at Royal Rumble, Elimination Chamber and of course WrestleMania 29. He took the WWE Championship from CM Punk and feuded with John Cena. He also appeared on an episode of America's Book of Secrets. And if that wasn't enough, he even played a role in a "got milk" commercial that aired during the Super Bowl. For as busy as Miley Cyrus, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was just as occupied. I'm pretty sure the only thin The Rock didn't do in 2013 was shake his ass at the VMA's, and he might have done that from the comfort of his own home and posted the video to Twitter anyway. In really what might be the closest contest of this bracket, at least so far, I have to give this one to Miley Cyrus. You can't mention 2013 without mentioning the Miley hysteria. There were big time political and national news headlines that weren't getting the attention, especially the Syria storyline, that Miley Cyrus was getting. And this went on for months. So even though the People's Champ had an incredible year at the box office and in the squared ring, Miley had an incredible year in her own way. Cyrus to the next round!
(4) Justin Timberlake vs (5) KimYe- This is the ultimate battle between two of my favorite mainstream artists! I love me some JT and I love me some Kanye. Both of their albums from 2013 were very well received by the me. What might be the deciding factor in this is Kim Kardashian and the abysmal Bound 2 video that someone is responsible for producing. I can't even blame Kanye for that, someone could have stepped in and burned the video over night or something.
Justin Timberlake dazzled us all with his 20/20 Experience album (although I'm not sure if anyone really listened to the second part that was released later in the fall of this year. Its like the third Home Alone, we all remember hearing that it came out, but did anyone really pay attention to it?) and with his live performances of probably my favorite pop song of the year, "Suit and Tie". He made us laugh in his skits with Jimmy Fallon (hashtag I did it all for the cookie!). When talking about media buzz, most would concur that 2013 was the Year of Miley. But, success wise, it's hard to argue that 2013 was anyone else's but JT's. Of course, for his sake, we're just going to completely ignore the reunion he did with N'Sync. It really never happened.
Kanye West had a quieter 2013 then his standards usually allow for. He has been doing a lot more behind the scenes stuff with young artists, but that didn't stop him from releasing Yeezus. Originally, I hated the album so much that I was going to post a blog on here with my top ten reasons that I couldn't stand the album and how it was the worst of Kanye's career. I even had my top ten reasons ready. But the more I listened to the album, the more it grew on me, as Kanye songs usually do. I am convinced there is some kind of subliminal messaging in the lyrics that I can't consciously comprehend that makes me somehow enjoy his music. I can't stand the man, but damn does he make good music. And before it was ever popular (I know I sound like some Indie hipster right now), I loved "Bound 2". I vividly remember visiting my buddy over the summer right when Yeezus was released and forcing him to listen to it. He wasn't sold. He hated the girl in the background and he hated some of the simple lyrics (you remember when we first met, ha, I don't remember when we first met), which really, are a staple of Kanye's by now. He was more of a fan of New Slaves, which is also fantastic. The top four songs from that album, in order, are Bound 2, Blood on the Leaves, New Slaves and Black Skinhead. Hold My Liquor is probably in last. Anyway, like it did for me, the song eventually grew on him and now he loves it. If I don't get a job on the reincarnated 2014 version of TRL, then the year will be a disappointment for me.
In the end, the two were tied for me when trying to decide who moves on, but it came down to two things that I already mentioned. One, Kim Kardashian got way to much media coverage this year for really just being an annoying bitch with money. She also was linked to Kris Humphries, even if she did divorce him, and he got bitched by Rajon Rondo this year, so more points off there. And lastly, that Bound 2 music video was the biggest piece of garbage I had ever seen. I enjoy Kanye but I hate his personality. Like I could not ever stand meeting the guy because I think he is an asshole (or a swag hole, which my good pal Jenny coined mostly to describe Kanye, but really anyone who is being an asshole while trying to maintain a certain level of swag. It's brilliant). I'm sure the entirety of the video was his idea, and if I ever find out else wise, I won't believe it. So, Justin Timberlake, COME ON DOWN!
Keeping this going, we're playing with gadgets in the "Step into Christmas Technology" Region!
(1) Candy Crush vs (8) Vine- This is a lot like the '86 Celtics and the '96 Bulls somehow winding up in the first round of a "Best Team Ever" tournament. Or Alan Matthews taking on Danny Tanner in the opening round of a "Best TV Dad Ever" bracket. Of course, the '86 Celtics and Alan Matthews would take both of those home, but all three of these are prime situations of two juggernauts going at it early in the bracket.
Candy Crush was (is, I don't know if people still play it right now. I'm guessing some college freshman on their winter break is probably bored out of their mind, has already watched all of the seasons of Prison Break on Netfilix and is currently on level 4,563,152 of Candy Crush) a big deal for a while this past year. The game was originally a game on Facebook, but it was turned into an app like everything else and everyone was playing it. I even dappled in it once, made it to level 2 and stopped. Most people made it to level 2 and didn't stop playing for three days straight, in which they took a break of a glass of water and some human interaction, and got right back to it. Candy Crush as a prime personal example working in its favor. My manager, who doesn't work where I work anymore, was a middle-aged Indian man who spoke very broken English and had a stick up his ass 97% of the time. My first time meeting him when I was home for break one Christmas, he yelled at me for doing something wrong that I found out I was doing right later. Basically, he was a douche. But he loved Candy Crush. He couldn't stop playing. I would spot him in the office or break room during his shift playing a level because he was going through withdrawal. He asked everyone if they played. I'm pretty sure it was his go-to icebreaker for all of 2013. Where I would ask someone new if they could be any animal, what would they be and why, my man Dave would ask them what level they were on in Candy Crush. It was like a drug for most of the year, and I think people are just starting to go through rehab.
Vine, on the other hand, isn't a fad. Not that fads are looked down upon in this tournament. If anything, that helps. Look at Carly Rae Jepsen. She won the first annual "This Was Your Year" award and she didn't even sniff the tournament this year. She was a fad (is that an insult, to call someone a fad?). Vines, they aren't a fad. Vines are short, six second or so videos that are edited and usually play on some kind of societal pundit or stereotype. For example, I just watched a vine entitled "What its like to go shopping with me" where a kid is pushing a cart through what appears to be a Costco of some sort with another kid standing in the cart reenacting the scene in Titanic at the edge of the ship with Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" in the background. Why did some do that? That's a question you could ask about most vines. Most vines are really pathetic, stupid, corny, idiotic, racist or some mix of all of these things. Some are actually really funny, but they're rare. You gotta be lucky to come across them. Of course, everyone has that Facebook friend or person you follow on Twitter that posts or likes the dumbest vines, and you immediately consider unfriending or unfollowing them to teach them a lesson. Or at least I do.
In the end, when I think of 2013, I'm going to think of vines over Candy Crush. That's right, Dave and the Candy Crush Brigade have been toppled by the eight seed vines! So pop that bottle of Korbel, we're celebrating like its 1999! Which is now 15 years ago, so let that sink in.
(2) Netflix vs (7) iOS 7- I'll tell you right off the bat, I don't like iOS 7's chances for two important reasons right off the bat. One, its facing Netflix, a heavy favorite in Vegas right now. Two, it is a 7 seed and it is iOS 7. Just saying.
The new update of the iPhone software was a big deal for about a week, while everyone complained about having to even go through the update in the first place. I don't own an iPhone, so I didn't have to endure the update. But, I heard mostly good things about the update and how it went over smoothly. However, I did hear a good deal of complaints where people had to download the update multiple times or spend hours waiting for the thing to load and complete. This is why I have a side phone right now with a keypad. Sure, I might have a phone that would have made me cool back in 2004, but thats okay. 50 Cent isn't cool anymore and he was cool in 2004.
Netflix takes this one in a landslide. What was once a company that focused on people ordering a DVD, watching it, sending it back in mail and ordering a new one is now a streaming icon. Netflix is to college kids what SoapNet is to elderly women. The mailing DVD option isn't what it used to be, and Netflix isn't even as big in the movie area as it is now in the TV show section. Binge watching is almost as popular as binge drinking is in the Hogan household. Binge watching is watching an entire TV series in one sitting or one weekend or one ridiculously short amount of time. Its awesome. I haven't binge watched like some people have, I know people who have watched four or five series of TV shows in one week's time. However, I did binge watch multiple seasons of Mad Men, all of the seasons of The IT Crowd and Arrested Development, and zero seasons of Burn Notice. I've also binge watched a lot of Breaking Bad, although I still haven't seen the entire series. I am waiting to be snowed in one weekend coming up so I can knock that out, followed by House of Cards, Rescue Me, Arrow, the rest of Weeds, and the rest of Lost. I need to do all of this before the newest season of Mad Men returns to AMC and the next season of Survivor debuts. Believe it or not, I am engaged. I do have a life. It might not always sound like it in this blog, but I do. Well, kind of. Although, I am not ashamed to admit that my fiancé got me all six Star Wars movies on DVD and blu-ray! I understand how dorky this might sound to the majority of my readers (no I don't, i couldn't even begin to take a guess as to what kind of audience my blog attracts), but I don't care. I am a HUGE Star Wars guru and I could not have asked for a better gift. Unless instead of the Star Wars: Attack of the Clones disc, they replaced it with Family Guy Blue Harvest episode, then it would have that much better! But really, I mean it when I say that I have the best fiancé imaginable.
The cultural movement that is Netflix isn't going anywhere, either. If Netflix can keep getting the most recent seasons of hit TV shows, the subscriptions won't go anywhere and they'll only keep growing. And if they can keep it so they don't need to advertise at all on the website or during the programming, even better. Nothing scares people away quicker then a "your video will start in 30 seconds" advertisement on the internet. Bet on Netflix, folks. Now that I'm done college, I'm going to need big people problems to procrastinate with so I can spend time with Netflix. Oh wait, I need to plan a wedding. Should I start House of Cards or Arrow, folks?
(3) Bitstrips vs (6) iPhone 5s- The bitstrips craze is genuinely confusing to me. I consider myself to be pretty hip on the lingo these days, but I don't get bitstrips. At all. I also don't own an iPhone 5. Therefore, in no way can I make this too personal or biased. So, Suck It.
As far as I can tell, bitstrips are little animated scenes that people create of themselves with a friend or two or sometimes just alone. The animated selfie gets into some silly situation with a friend, has the friend do something goofy or stupid, or just has their selfie do something that "they'd totally do". People make fun of me for enjoying milk. Like, for really enjoying milk. I often crave a nice glass of milk by itself, and apparently most people just can't fathom that or even get grossed out by it. So, it would be totally appropriate for me to make a bitstrip cartoon of myself, probably four-eleven times more handsome and and stronger than I actually am, having a big glass of milk with one of my friends slyly saying "oh, of course. We should have figured Pat would be by the milk!". And really, that is it. There is nothing else to it. If we get invaded by aliens and they come across bitstrips while deciding on whether or not to destroy our planet, we're all fucked.
The iPhone 5s was a bigger craze and made more sense. Aliens would probably just laugh at it while comparing it to their technology and move on, they probably wouldn't just blow us up for it. So it has that going for it. But the iPhone 5s craze loses some luster because it is the same thing every single year. For example, what year did the iPhone 3 come out? Or the iPhone 2? You probably don't remember unless you're Ashton Kutcher, a pompous software engineer at Apple or Samuel L Jackson or Zooey Deschanel. My point is Apple releases a new iPhone almost every single year. Is it really something to remember 2013 by? I don't know. On one hand, it was a huge deal. They didn't have enough made to handle the purchases at one point. People had the release date circled on their calendar for weeks and months. Brick killed a guy to get one. On the other hand, that is just going to happen again this year or next year when the iPhone 6r2d2 comes out. Do we keep spoon feeding Apple for the same old iPhone release? We need to shake the Trophy generation tag eventually! In the end, tie goes to the runner, right? We're doing a bracket asking the question "who does 2013 belong to?". At first glance, does 2013 belong to the iPhone 5s release or bitstrips? When you put it that bluntly, it is easier. The iPhone 5s moves on to round two.
(4) Snapchat vs (5) Google Glass- Gather around, readers. We might be looking at the 2014 "This Was Your Year" award winner. And its not Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Google Glass made it this year because of the weak pool of technology candidates. I mean, did you get a look at the honorable mentions? Twitter going public made it. That's not even a technology, that was an event. So, I put Google Glass in and was actually shocked by the amount of likes it had on Facebook. What coerced almost 44,000 people to like the Google Glass page on Facebook? Was free alcohol involved in this? Or Ryan Seacrest? Either way, Google Glass just isn't popular enough yet to win this thing (or obviously move on to the second round). Keyword not being either, or popular, or thing. Keyword being yet. Because I think Google Glass will hit it big in 2014, I really do. I don't think I'll every buy one unless, you know, they become the next cell phone (imagine people from pre-cell phone days saying the same thing. "I'm never buying one of those pieces of woo-hah crap! Why would I need to talk to people that bother me all the time? Talking to them through the wall is bad enough, ya see." For the record, I had Grandpa Walton do that imitation for me.). They might, who knows. But I think the Google Glass is a little too weird for me to ever shell out the cold hard cash for a pair. I don't need to be told directions to the nearest Ruby Tuesday through my glasses. I CAN FIND THE DAMN PLACE MYSELF, NOW THE NEXT PERSON WHO MAKES A PEEP IS GETTING THIS CAR TURNED THE HELL AROUND!
Yeah, Snapchat wins.
For the final act of the first round, we have the "Frosty the Snowman Politics and Inanimate Objects" Region, y'all...
(1) Barack Obama vs (8) Government Shutdown- I don't think Alanis Morisette could be any prouder of how this one turned out. Like one thousand spoons when all you need is a knife or meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife, we have the President of the Good Ol' US of A, Barack Obama going up against the very thing he had to endure at the hands of the Republicans, the government shutdown. If that just lost me all of my conservative readers, I guess I should even the playing field and lose my liberal readers, too. I support Phil Robertson. There, that should just about do it.
I mean, can Obama really lose in the first round? He made it to the Elite Eight last year before ultimately meeting his demise against those pesky Mayans and December 21, 2012. Can Obama really lose to the shutdown that was outlasted by Obama? The shutdown brought about lots of talk of impeachment and Obama being a shitty president (good point, thats actually been here since 2008), but hey. Last time I checked, Obama is still the President. The shutdown was a big deal because anytime the government stops doing government stuff for a few weeks, people panic and begin to worry. Just like when people panic when a big blizzard comes by and suddenly everyone needs enough bread to last them through their funeral, people don't like the idea of the government being off. But still, Obama was the President this past year. He endured the Syria bullshit, he endured the Obamacare bullshit, he actually endured the government shutdown, and he endured President Cowboy's terrific rant on Facebook. If he can endure all of that, I see no way he can't endure the first round of this tournament. Plus, he already beat the shutdown once, we're doing it again baby! Four more years! Four more years! We like Ike! We like Ike! One more match! One more match! YES! YES! JUMP AROUND, JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP!
(2) Breaking Bad vs (7) Twerking- Moments like this are when I question the Commissioner's idea of ranking these things by Facebook likes. Twerking should not be a seven seed, and this matchup should be happening closer to the Elite Eight rather then the opening round. Both Breaking Bad's final season and the twerking epidemic were gigantic in 2013 and deserve to go further then the first freaking round. Is there anyway I can reseed before any games are played and start over? I guess one of these two is going to have to be the Arizona Cardinals of this year's bracket. Let's take a look.
Breaking Bad was big. I mean, really big. AMC ran a marathon running the entire series non-stop leading up to the series finale on the Sunday that it ran. I don't know how many people tuned into that marathon, but I can tell you that I used a lot of my time here on Earth in front of the TV watching that marathon. I didn't get to the fourth season (still, I vow to one day for Hal's sake), but I rewatched the first two seasons and saw some of the third and I'll tell you, that show is perfect. I can think of no flaws. It is never too dry, or too slow, or too repetitive, or too predictable, or too
Really, the finale of Breaking Bad was historic. It brought in a record 10.3 million viewers! That is astounding! To put that in perspective of the year it had and the popularity it gained going into that fifth and final season, the fourth season finale had just (just, lol) 1.9 million viewers. Attribute some of that to our friends at Netflix, but attribute a lot of that to the creative writers and awesome acting from the cast and fantastic all around production of Breaking Bad. To gain about ten million viewers in one season is incredible. Simply stunning. AMC was able to charge up to $400,000 for a 30 second commercial during the finale, which while comparing to the million dollar ads played during the Super Bowl, is also kind of incredible. So, what I'm trying to say is that it would be hard for anyone to beat Breaking Bad in the first round, especially when pictures like this and videos like this one exist. Unless of course, you are twerking.
Twerking pretty much came to the front stage of pop culture when Miley and Robin Thicke twerked on national television during the VMA's. However, people have been twerking for years. I don't mean to be racist or to stereotype anyone, but black girls twerk like there is no tomorrow. Thats all they fucking do. They eat, sleep and breathe twerking. Miley just did it on TV with some loser placing himself gently on her ass. But holy shit, after the VMA's, twerking spread like wildfire. You had college kids and high schoolers doing it at parties and after school. You probably had middle schoolers doing it at their field trips to the museum or the PathMark (funny story you'll probably skip right over, I went on a field trip to a PathMark when I was in kindergarten!). You had Jimmy Kimmel and the twerking girl catching on fire video prank. Everybody was twerking. It was like the Macarena only a lot more disturbing and a lot more enjoyable for fourteen year-old boys. Some people thought it was wrong, some people thought it was too provocative, some people did it on their way into work as a joke and some people probably still don't know what it is (those people are also probably unaware that John Lennon is dead, but hey, I'm sure they're out there). Twerking swept the nation and as embarrassing as that sentence might be, its true. So, it brings us to the age old debate, what was more popular in 2013? Breaking Bad or twerking?
I can't explain to you how much time I put into this thought. I actually took a break to eat some chocolate covered M&M pretzels that my aunt makes (they are addicting to the point that I might need help) and to really think this over. I mean, Breaking Bad was the show of the year, regardless of what you think. If you think otherwise, you are wrong. But twerking was like the mass hysteria of the year, the fad of the year. For a solid month or so, everyone was talking about twerking and just about everyone was doing it. It was a craze, like a huge craze. How do you decipher between them fairly? I could flip a coin, but is that fair? No. Is it fun? Maybe, but then I need to get up and find a coin and flip it. So, I've made my decision. Moving on to the Sweet Sixteen is...twerking. I can't do it. As much as I want to advance Breaking Bad, for society's sake (although, the show is about a meth dealer and is really dark, so I mean, take your pick), I just can't discount what a huge craze twerking was this past year. People talked about it so often, you would have thought it was an actual word in the English dictionary! But really, it passed the test of every single human being knew about this twerking hysteria. They may not have known what it was, Google did announce that "what is twerking" was the most popular search beginning with "what is" this year, but they did know it was happening. And thats enough. Twerking wins the Super Bowl of the first round and advances.
(3) Hump Day Camel vs (6) Rob Ford- Like I said, the ranking can get a little funky in this. I in no way expected the hump day camel to be a three seed. And I loved Rob Ford and his wacky life too much to see him suffer as a six seed. I don't think I need to analyze either of these folks for anyone, or at least not the hump day camel. The hump day camel was the camel in the infamous Geico commercial. The camel walks around a quiet office asking everyone "what day is it", until finally an annoyed employee answers "its hump day". The camel is excited and starts screaming "It's Hump DAY!". That is it. But it was such a huge hit, especially on the internet. Even my fiancé's neighbor's nine year-old daughter was saying it over and over again on our vacation in August. I'm telling you, I feel bad for this generation. When I was nine back in 2001, we had George W and Missy Elliot. These kids have the hump day camel and Justin Bieber.
Rob Ford was slightly more entertaining and by slightly, I mean infinitely. Rob Ford is the Toronto mayor who was busted for smoking crack. The video went viral and it includes Ford sweating, cursing profusely and even threatening to kill someone (he even imitates how he's going to do it and confidently proclaims how he can kick the shit out of this guy). Its gold. Rob Ford needs to move on and I don't owe anyone an explanation. He had too perfect of a year to not move on past the hump day camel. I hated the hump day camel almost as much as I hated YOLO last year. Well, that might be too bold. I really hated YOLO.
(4) Harlem Shake vs (5) Selfie- And in our final contest of the first round, we have the Harlem Shake bonanza going up against the selfie generation. Both were really popular when they hit the mainstream, but only one remained popular. Only one will live on in 2014 and after. The selfie, ladies and gentlemen.
The Harlem Shake was fun for about a week, and then it joined the table in the musty corner with YOLO and the hump day camel at my bracket banquet. The Harlem Shake was a video with one person dancing by themselves for about fifteen seconds, followed by a quick cut to about twenty or so people dancing with obscure costumes, strange dance moves or anything else thats completely ridiculous. Some were funny, like the Miami Heat actually put a pretty good one together. Others were just stupid. And by others, I mean almost all of them.
The selfie needs no introduction or explanation. It is literally just taking a picture of yourself doing anything. They just have a word for it now. A selfie. Everyone is doing them to the point that they aren't going anywhere anytime soon. I see them constantly on Facebook and Twitter and I'm sure they are even more popular on Instagram. Selfie's are the new polaroids baby! SHAKE IT LIKE A SELFIE PICTURE, HEY YA! Selfie to the Sweet Sixteen!
Sweet Sixteen
The first round is in the books, so lets move on to the second round now. Two comes after one, your morons. Thanks for reading! :) (Side note: I reseed in this bitch!)
First things first in the "Do They Know Its Christmas Sports" Region:
(1) LeBron James vs (7) Diana Nyad- In the first round, Nyad was able to pull off the upset because she faced an underdog two seed in Andy Murray. Murray didn't stand a chance against the old enough to retire lady who swam from Cuba to Florida. However, now she's facing the big guns in this region. She's facing the King!
Side note on LeBron since he's obviously winning this matchup: Is this the year he wins the Finals completely under the radar? Hard to believe that he ever could, considering the backlash he took for taking his talents to South Beach and the bitterness people have hung on to since, oh I don't know, it happened. But this season has been different. There have been so many other headlines (just to name a few: the Pacers look dominant in the East, the East looks like two great teams, two decent teams and a bunch of shitheads clowning around, where in the blue hell the TrailBlazers came from, the Thunder, how bad the Knicks and Nets have looked, the race for the first pick, Kobe's comeback, D-Rose's comeback, Kobe getting hurt again, D-Rose getting hurt again, Westbrook's comeback, Westbrook getting hurt again, and this annoying Gasol-for-Bynum trade that nobody gives a shit about, just to name a few), people have forgotten about the Heat! Who would have thought! LeBron will probably win another MVP award while having the least amount of First Take headlines of his career in a season. He will probably win a third straight championship. I'm putting my money on the Heat right now while most people are buying into these new, fresh faces in Indiana, Portland and Golden State. EH-EH!
As for Diana Nyad, thanks for coming, sweetie! It really is a great accomplishment, but unfortunately people care more about basketball so for sponsorship purposes, I need to keep LeBron in a little bit longer. Nyad accomplished something I could never and would never dream of doing by swimming across the ocean. Imagine how terrifying that must have been at night. I am getting goosebumps just thinking about that. Let's move on!
(4) David Ortiz vs (6) Joe Flacco- If I asked you if you preferred baseball to football, you'd more then likely reply with a resounding no unless of course you are Bob Costas, Tony LaRussa, or Tim Kurkjian. So, when I ask you if you prefer David Ortiz to Joe Flacco, you should reply with the same resounding no? Yes?
Probably not. I think the popular vote in this contest would be in David Ortiz's favor. Actually, I would bet my dog, Jack, on that. And Jack is a pretty cool pup, I don't bet him on anything. Last thing I bet him on was the Alabama-Auburn game (I hope thats too soon for any bitter Bama fans out there). But I do think that for some reason, people in America generally don't care for Joe Cool. It could be that they don't care. I'm sure a lot of people don't even know who he is still, and some only know the name, so they really might not have an opinion either way. But there are people who dislike him for no reason other then he's boring, dry, kind of a sarcastic prick and a winner. I added that last one to cheer me up for eliminating him right here.
David Ortiz brought his team back from a worst place finish in 2012. Ortiz was as far as you could be from this bracket last year. He didn't do jack shit in 2012. In 2013, he brought his team to a first place finish, went on the tear of a lifetime in the World Series, and won a championship for a city that had just went through a horrible tragedy in the Boston Marathon bombing. Flacco did win the Super Bowl and he did go on an equal tear in the NFL playoffs, but he followed that up with a subpar and borderline shitty 2013 season. We can't discount the 2013 NFL season this past year like we can discount the 2012 baseball season. So wait. In the end, the calendar screwed over Flacco! He didn't get to win last year because he had that AFC Championship loss lingering over him and he ended the year on a sour note limping into the playoffs! And he doesn't get to win this year despite winning the Super Bowl and signing a loaded contract because he had a shitty 2013 season! The world is out to get Joe Cool, damnit!
But still, David Ortiz to the Elite Eight.
Welcome to the "Christmas Shoes Pop Culture and Entertainment" Region!
(1) Selena Gomez vs (7) Jennifer Lawrence- I feel like I need to save my riff on Jennifer Lawrence for when she really needs it, and if she has to face Miley or JT in the next round, then she can use it. So I'm just going to explain why Selena loses in this round. If it isn't becoming more glaringly obvious who is at least coming out of this region, then you need to rethink your major life decisions.
Selena doesn't have what it takes to be mentioned in the same ballpark as J-Law right now. She might some day, but I doubt it. I might be putting some bias in here but hey, its my blog and not Selena Gomez's right? She did have an impressive year and she was the one seed in this region for a reason. She has a lot of fans. She has some street cred, that is what got her past Robin Thicke (and the fact that I wouldn't be the slightest bit disappointed if I never heard another Robin Thicke song again in my life). But Gomez doesn't have the resume that Jennifer Lawrence did from 2013, and her's is so impressive that (like I said) I'm saving it for the Elite Eight. Good try, good year Gomez. Yo are the weakest link. You are GO-mezing home! ;)
(3) Miley Cyrus vs (4) Justin Timberlake- The matchup millions have been waiting to see!
Arguably the two top songs of 2013 were "We Can't Stop" and "Suit and Tie", so therefore, arguably the two top stars of 2013 were Miley Cyrus and Justin Timberlake. Forget David vs Goliath, we've got Goliath vs Goliath Cyrus and its gonna come in like a wrecking ball!
First of all, I have to say that I'm proud of all of the Wrecking Ball parodies that came out after the initial video. Usually, people drop the ball on this kind of stuff. I guess its just human nature to produce really corny and lame and desperate parodies of pop culture things, but mankind did an excellent job at giving us some great spoofs of the Wrecking Ball video. We had this average gem. This wasn't a parody, but we got to watch poor Billy Ray react to the video here. There was also a weird Hulk Hogan parody, but I'm not posting it here in order to save your eyes. Please trust me on this, do not watch the video. If you want some solid Hulk Hogan fun, watch him forget his lines instead.
To decide between Miley and JT, I came to a conclusion. Sure, Justin Timberlake's 20/20 Experience was the top grossing album of 2013. But Miley was the most talked about. People loved talking about Miley Cyrus in 2013. She was getting coverage on news stations like CNN and CBS. She was on the front page of all of the gossip tabloids and even major newspapers. Everyone who had a pulse was talking about Miley Cyrus. And the thing is, there was something new seemingly everyday to talk about. She was always one-upping her latest strive for attention. And while I do think Miley is an attention whore to an extent, I also do think that she needed help for a while this year. She might not believe that, she might believe that she is in total control of her life, but she needs guidance and counsel. She doesn't have everything figured out like she thinks she does. If she did, she wouldn't have provided us with the drama that she did in 2013.
But that drama pushes her past the success of Timberlake. So, there's good in everything! I'm sure there is a finer light in every episode of Maury too! There's hope! But in the end, both of these stars saw a ton of success in 2013. From Timberlake's album sales to his SNL appearances to Miley's VMA performance to her media hype, both held 2013 in the palm of their hands. However, Miley held all of us in the palm of her hands for the majority of the year. Admitting that is tough and might drive you to moving to Canada or somewhere far away, but its the first step in moving on towards the Elite Eight, honey.
Jerry, its the "Step into Christmas Technology" Region!
(2) Netflix vs (8) Vine- In order to get a good grip on this matchup, I watched a bunch of vines on Facebook to prep. It was the biggest mistake I ever made. I watched useless vine after useless vine and I'm pretty sure I'm less funny now after watching all of them. Is it possible to lose comedy by watching so many failed attempts at it? Because now, I'm pretty sure it is. Its scientifically proven that watching vines makes you less funny. Now I know how Adam Sandler spends his weeknights.
My point is that I can't make vines win this for two reasons, one being how dumb they are. Sure, a lot of people make vines and made vines in 2013. But a lot of people watched Netflix in 2013, so they're even on that playing field. The major difference between the two is that Netflix is good and vines are stupid. If we saw Ellen DeGeneres going up against Jay Leno, we couldn't argue that one has a lot more viewers then the other. They both do pretty well with ratings evident by the fact that they are both still on air. However, Jay Leno might be the lamest human being in the history of the universe whereas Ellen might be the closest to perfection (except for my beautiful fiancé, of course!). Sometimes, two entities see similar success or longevity, but only one is actually impressive. This is the case with Netflix vs Vine. Netflix and Vine both had phenomenal years in 2013, but only Netflix really mattered. Vines are just channels for the people who think they are funny to force their unfunnyness on the rest of us. Its a lot like this blog actually.
Even though I have countlessly contemplated getting rid of my Netflix account to save money (I'm getting married, y'all! If you want to send gifts, there is still time. Head to the comment section below and list your favorite things about this blog and relate them in some way to your favorite things about The Big Bang Theory. There's nothing cheap about comparing this blog to Sheldon making a goof about prospective cohort studies and the placebo effect), I haven't actually done it. That counts for something, right? I keep on keeping on with Netflix and my fiancé and I have even contemplated nixing cable and just having Netflix when we first move in together. The only drawback to that is not being able to watch live sports, and really that drawback is comparable to eating at Chick-fil-a, but they're all out of Chick-fil-a sauce. Although I'd rather have a fridge full of Chick-fil-a sauce, but its close. Maybe that's not true, I don't blog about Chick-fil-a sauce after all. Yet.
(4) Snapchat vs (6) iPhone 5s- Here, we have the app used on the phone going at it with each other. It comes down to a story about Snapchat from a party in college this past semester. You had to see this coming.
It wasn't actually much of a party, it was maybe seven of us sitting around in the living room playing drinking games getting progressively drunker as the night went on. We played some game called Captain Something or other, I don't remember what its called. But the basis of it is sitting in a circle and counting off individually numbers 1 through 21. In the beginning, the only rules are if you have number 7, you say 14 and if you have number 14, you say 7. Whoever has number 21 gets to make a rule for the next round. For example, you could have number 3 be "Insult so and so" every time. And thus, the person after the one who had 21 starts the next round, and those three rules are in play. You go on and on until there is a rule for every number. You also drink every time you mess up, which is often. So, eventually one of our rules was for number 4, you send a Snapchat to our one friend. She is an athletic trainer and usually wakes up really early on Saturday mornings for work, meaning at midnight or so, she was definitely asleep. That didn't stop us drunk assholes from sending Snapchat after Snapchat of ourselves doing dumb stuff to her constantly. In the end, Snapchat was a lot of fun that night and helped entertain seven drunk college kids for about an hour or so. Imagine how many times that happens every weekend!
I guess it comes down to if Snapchat is so popular, then the iPhone 5s must be more popular because you can't Snapchat without the iPhone 5s. That is a vital argument, at first glance. But really, its kind of silly when you think about it. Its kind of like saying Elvis Presley's mom should be the King (Queen) of Rock and Roll just because we wouldn't have Elvis without her (same argument can be said for Poppa Elvis). Or that Michael Jordan's parents were more important to basketball because we wouldn't have MJ without them. Its also like the chicken and the egg, except we have an answer. Snapchat was more important to 2013 because it was and is more popular then the iPhone 5s. Thats just the way it is. Now, drink.
And last but probably the least, the "Frosty the Snowman Politics and Inanimate Objects" Region!
(1) Barack Obama vs (7) Twerking- This is the hilarious matchup that pits our nation's President up against the act of hunching your back and shaking your ass like there's no tomorrow, usually in some provocative way that makes your great grandfather pass out. Although, your great grandfather would have probably already passed out at the stature of our nation today, which might be a point taken from Obama. So, because our great grandfathers and their tendency towards passing out at the sight of Obama and twerking, both Obama and twerking are starting out with scores of minus-1.
So let's do a tally here. What does Barack Obama have going for him? Like we covered earlier, he made it through the year without being impeached and he is the President of the United States. That is always a big year. So those two toss-ups get Barack up to a score of 1. Obama also handled the Syria matter in the best way that he possibly could have. Score of 2. Let's not forget that this slice of perfection exists. I'm doubling Obama's score because of the 37th GIF in that link alone. Hell, I'm raising him one more. ON THE FIFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME..FIVE MORE YEARS! FIVE MORE YEARS! Of course, this celebration is as short-lived as Jojo's career, so we do need to look at the negatives of Obama's 2013. You've got the protestors who were outside of my work one day. You've got the negative reaction to Obamacare (although, health markets are set up to have market failures. They are a necessary evil. If someone can design the perfect package where all Americans have a way to access quality healthcare if they are sick, regardless of whether or not they can afford it, then run for President in 2016. Other countries have figured out better ways then Obamacare, but there is still no perfect method. But America's method isn't perfect and yet we are spending more on healthcare per citizen then anyone around the world, a lot more. Obamacare is not the answer, but it isn't the worst thing to rise up either. GLOWACKI 2016 BABAY!). You've got his poor approval ratings. And lastly, you've got the fact that he is probably okaying massive amounts of drones, which is naturally a point deduction. So, with that, I have a score of 1 for President Obama. And for the record, if I did a "This Was Your Year" award for any of the years of George Double-Ya's first term, he would have finished with a score resembling the wind chill of a playoff game in Green Bay.
Twerking is harder to tally. It was a societal craze, a fad, a huge phenomena. How do you score that? It was also humiliating that our society bit for something like that, and bit so hard. How do you score that? Should I just give twerking a zero since it I don't think I can come up with a reasonable way to score it? Well, how about this. Watch this poor girl attempting to teach the American public how to twerk, and you'll understand why I really want to just push Obama into the next round. Like really bad. But, I really think twerking was somehow bigger than Obama in 2013. That's right, I personally believe that twerking had a bigger year than possibly the greatest television show of the past decade as well as the President of the United States. Again, America ladies and gentlemen.
(5) Selfie vs (6) Rob Ford- Ah, our old friend Rob Ford. You guys already know my personal attachment to Ford. He provided with us with some down right hysterical video footage and opinions that should never be opinions of a politician's. He's a real man's man. So, I'm going to make this like a Band-Aid and rip it off really fast.
Selfie to the Elite Eight.
For the three or zero of you still reading who would like justification for why our man Rob Ford got nixed, you came to the right place. Congratulations on still reading. I'm writing this section as incredible winds pass through outside of my window. The gusts sound like Vickie Guerrero on Monday Night Raw. They are a good explanation into why Rob Ford didn't really have a huge 2013 compared to the selfie. You see, to win this tournament, you need to be relevant for the better part of the year. People and items and phenomena get away with just a few huge months, but my point is that short success doesn't always generate well with the voters (they're just as annoying as those Baseball Hall of Fame morons). And Rob Ford simply wasn't up to his awesome antics for long enough to get consideration here. He did his best in his short window of time to embarrass himself for us, but it just wasn't what selfies did. Selfies were everywhere in 2013, all of 2013. All year long, people were taking ridiculous pictures of themselves at really close angles in really strange places. Here is just one example of a place for weird selfies all in one stop. You've got this gem of a selfie. There are countless more examples not only on the Internet, but on all of your social media accounts. All of your friends are doing them. And I would bet my new Gillette razors that I got for Christmas that you have taken at least one selfie in 2013. It happened, let it happen. Let it all happen.
To decide between Miley and JT, I came to a conclusion. Sure, Justin Timberlake's 20/20 Experience was the top grossing album of 2013. But Miley was the most talked about. People loved talking about Miley Cyrus in 2013. She was getting coverage on news stations like CNN and CBS. She was on the front page of all of the gossip tabloids and even major newspapers. Everyone who had a pulse was talking about Miley Cyrus. And the thing is, there was something new seemingly everyday to talk about. She was always one-upping her latest strive for attention. And while I do think Miley is an attention whore to an extent, I also do think that she needed help for a while this year. She might not believe that, she might believe that she is in total control of her life, but she needs guidance and counsel. She doesn't have everything figured out like she thinks she does. If she did, she wouldn't have provided us with the drama that she did in 2013.
But that drama pushes her past the success of Timberlake. So, there's good in everything! I'm sure there is a finer light in every episode of Maury too! There's hope! But in the end, both of these stars saw a ton of success in 2013. From Timberlake's album sales to his SNL appearances to Miley's VMA performance to her media hype, both held 2013 in the palm of their hands. However, Miley held all of us in the palm of her hands for the majority of the year. Admitting that is tough and might drive you to moving to Canada or somewhere far away, but its the first step in moving on towards the Elite Eight, honey.
Jerry, its the "Step into Christmas Technology" Region!
(2) Netflix vs (8) Vine- In order to get a good grip on this matchup, I watched a bunch of vines on Facebook to prep. It was the biggest mistake I ever made. I watched useless vine after useless vine and I'm pretty sure I'm less funny now after watching all of them. Is it possible to lose comedy by watching so many failed attempts at it? Because now, I'm pretty sure it is. Its scientifically proven that watching vines makes you less funny. Now I know how Adam Sandler spends his weeknights.
My point is that I can't make vines win this for two reasons, one being how dumb they are. Sure, a lot of people make vines and made vines in 2013. But a lot of people watched Netflix in 2013, so they're even on that playing field. The major difference between the two is that Netflix is good and vines are stupid. If we saw Ellen DeGeneres going up against Jay Leno, we couldn't argue that one has a lot more viewers then the other. They both do pretty well with ratings evident by the fact that they are both still on air. However, Jay Leno might be the lamest human being in the history of the universe whereas Ellen might be the closest to perfection (except for my beautiful fiancé, of course!). Sometimes, two entities see similar success or longevity, but only one is actually impressive. This is the case with Netflix vs Vine. Netflix and Vine both had phenomenal years in 2013, but only Netflix really mattered. Vines are just channels for the people who think they are funny to force their unfunnyness on the rest of us. Its a lot like this blog actually.
Even though I have countlessly contemplated getting rid of my Netflix account to save money (I'm getting married, y'all! If you want to send gifts, there is still time. Head to the comment section below and list your favorite things about this blog and relate them in some way to your favorite things about The Big Bang Theory. There's nothing cheap about comparing this blog to Sheldon making a goof about prospective cohort studies and the placebo effect), I haven't actually done it. That counts for something, right? I keep on keeping on with Netflix and my fiancé and I have even contemplated nixing cable and just having Netflix when we first move in together. The only drawback to that is not being able to watch live sports, and really that drawback is comparable to eating at Chick-fil-a, but they're all out of Chick-fil-a sauce. Although I'd rather have a fridge full of Chick-fil-a sauce, but its close. Maybe that's not true, I don't blog about Chick-fil-a sauce after all. Yet.
(4) Snapchat vs (6) iPhone 5s- Here, we have the app used on the phone going at it with each other. It comes down to a story about Snapchat from a party in college this past semester. You had to see this coming.
It wasn't actually much of a party, it was maybe seven of us sitting around in the living room playing drinking games getting progressively drunker as the night went on. We played some game called Captain Something or other, I don't remember what its called. But the basis of it is sitting in a circle and counting off individually numbers 1 through 21. In the beginning, the only rules are if you have number 7, you say 14 and if you have number 14, you say 7. Whoever has number 21 gets to make a rule for the next round. For example, you could have number 3 be "Insult so and so" every time. And thus, the person after the one who had 21 starts the next round, and those three rules are in play. You go on and on until there is a rule for every number. You also drink every time you mess up, which is often. So, eventually one of our rules was for number 4, you send a Snapchat to our one friend. She is an athletic trainer and usually wakes up really early on Saturday mornings for work, meaning at midnight or so, she was definitely asleep. That didn't stop us drunk assholes from sending Snapchat after Snapchat of ourselves doing dumb stuff to her constantly. In the end, Snapchat was a lot of fun that night and helped entertain seven drunk college kids for about an hour or so. Imagine how many times that happens every weekend!
I guess it comes down to if Snapchat is so popular, then the iPhone 5s must be more popular because you can't Snapchat without the iPhone 5s. That is a vital argument, at first glance. But really, its kind of silly when you think about it. Its kind of like saying Elvis Presley's mom should be the King (Queen) of Rock and Roll just because we wouldn't have Elvis without her (same argument can be said for Poppa Elvis). Or that Michael Jordan's parents were more important to basketball because we wouldn't have MJ without them. Its also like the chicken and the egg, except we have an answer. Snapchat was more important to 2013 because it was and is more popular then the iPhone 5s. Thats just the way it is. Now, drink.
And last but probably the least, the "Frosty the Snowman Politics and Inanimate Objects" Region!
(1) Barack Obama vs (7) Twerking- This is the hilarious matchup that pits our nation's President up against the act of hunching your back and shaking your ass like there's no tomorrow, usually in some provocative way that makes your great grandfather pass out. Although, your great grandfather would have probably already passed out at the stature of our nation today, which might be a point taken from Obama. So, because our great grandfathers and their tendency towards passing out at the sight of Obama and twerking, both Obama and twerking are starting out with scores of minus-1.
So let's do a tally here. What does Barack Obama have going for him? Like we covered earlier, he made it through the year without being impeached and he is the President of the United States. That is always a big year. So those two toss-ups get Barack up to a score of 1. Obama also handled the Syria matter in the best way that he possibly could have. Score of 2. Let's not forget that this slice of perfection exists. I'm doubling Obama's score because of the 37th GIF in that link alone. Hell, I'm raising him one more. ON THE FIFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME..FIVE MORE YEARS! FIVE MORE YEARS! Of course, this celebration is as short-lived as Jojo's career, so we do need to look at the negatives of Obama's 2013. You've got the protestors who were outside of my work one day. You've got the negative reaction to Obamacare (although, health markets are set up to have market failures. They are a necessary evil. If someone can design the perfect package where all Americans have a way to access quality healthcare if they are sick, regardless of whether or not they can afford it, then run for President in 2016. Other countries have figured out better ways then Obamacare, but there is still no perfect method. But America's method isn't perfect and yet we are spending more on healthcare per citizen then anyone around the world, a lot more. Obamacare is not the answer, but it isn't the worst thing to rise up either. GLOWACKI 2016 BABAY!). You've got his poor approval ratings. And lastly, you've got the fact that he is probably okaying massive amounts of drones, which is naturally a point deduction. So, with that, I have a score of 1 for President Obama. And for the record, if I did a "This Was Your Year" award for any of the years of George Double-Ya's first term, he would have finished with a score resembling the wind chill of a playoff game in Green Bay.
Twerking is harder to tally. It was a societal craze, a fad, a huge phenomena. How do you score that? It was also humiliating that our society bit for something like that, and bit so hard. How do you score that? Should I just give twerking a zero since it I don't think I can come up with a reasonable way to score it? Well, how about this. Watch this poor girl attempting to teach the American public how to twerk, and you'll understand why I really want to just push Obama into the next round. Like really bad. But, I really think twerking was somehow bigger than Obama in 2013. That's right, I personally believe that twerking had a bigger year than possibly the greatest television show of the past decade as well as the President of the United States. Again, America ladies and gentlemen.
(5) Selfie vs (6) Rob Ford- Ah, our old friend Rob Ford. You guys already know my personal attachment to Ford. He provided with us with some down right hysterical video footage and opinions that should never be opinions of a politician's. He's a real man's man. So, I'm going to make this like a Band-Aid and rip it off really fast.
Selfie to the Elite Eight.
For the three or zero of you still reading who would like justification for why our man Rob Ford got nixed, you came to the right place. Congratulations on still reading. I'm writing this section as incredible winds pass through outside of my window. The gusts sound like Vickie Guerrero on Monday Night Raw. They are a good explanation into why Rob Ford didn't really have a huge 2013 compared to the selfie. You see, to win this tournament, you need to be relevant for the better part of the year. People and items and phenomena get away with just a few huge months, but my point is that short success doesn't always generate well with the voters (they're just as annoying as those Baseball Hall of Fame morons). And Rob Ford simply wasn't up to his awesome antics for long enough to get consideration here. He did his best in his short window of time to embarrass himself for us, but it just wasn't what selfies did. Selfies were everywhere in 2013, all of 2013. All year long, people were taking ridiculous pictures of themselves at really close angles in really strange places. Here is just one example of a place for weird selfies all in one stop. You've got this gem of a selfie. There are countless more examples not only on the Internet, but on all of your social media accounts. All of your friends are doing them. And I would bet my new Gillette razors that I got for Christmas that you have taken at least one selfie in 2013. It happened, let it happen. Let it all happen.
Elite Eight
Last year's Elite Eight: LeBron James, Usain Bolt, Carly Rae Jepsen, Channing Tatum, Live Tweeting Everything Imaginable, iPhone 5, Barack Obama, The Mayans and 12-21-12
This year's Elite Eight: LeBron James, David Ortiz, Jennifer Lawrence, Miley Cyrus, Netflix, Snapchats, Twerking, Selfie
This year's Elite Eight: LeBron James, David Ortiz, Jennifer Lawrence, Miley Cyrus, Netflix, Snapchats, Twerking, Selfie
(1) LeBron James vs (4) David Ortiz- Last year, LeBron took home the gold in the sports region, and he is doing so again this year. The man is a global icon and he's winning. He is famous and really damn good at basketball. If we took the four greatest players from their respective sports in terms of the four major American sports (let's say they were LeBron from basketball, Miguel Cabrera from baseball, healthy Adrian Peterson from football, and _______ from hockey), LeBron is light years better than all of them. He is more athletically gifted than anyone in the world right now. Do you know how incredible of an accomplishment that is? LeBron James is better at being an athlete than anybody in the entire world. Let that sink in and try and tell me he doesn't win the sports region.
However, kudos to Big Papi on a great turnaround! It will probably be his last run on this bracket since he is getting up there in age (this is where all of the Yankees fans/Red Sox bashers/assholes chime in and tell me that Ortiz is on steroids)(this is where I don't give a who I don't give a what!). Ortiz has a World Series ring and a run to the Nugget Blog "This Was Your Year" Award Elite Eight, all while carrying the city of Boston on his back. I mean, you decide for yourself what is the most impressive of those three things, but that's a pretty solid 2013 still. But, LeBron > overweight designated hitters who really stood out for only a month when you think about it.
LeBron takes the sports region, Jim, now to the "Christmas Shoes Pop Culture and Entertainment" Region!
(3) Miley Cyrus vs (7) Jennifer Lawrence- Okay, now to bring out the big guns that I've been holding back since the beginning for J-Law. I'm going to give you two scenarios, one being a list of accomplishments of Jennifer Lawrence in 2013 and one being a list of accomplishments that I just completely made up. You have to decipher which is the real one.
Scenario 1- Turned 24 years old in August, won the Academy Award for Best Actress, although it might not have been in 2013, she graduated from high school two years early with a 3.9 GPA, she made TIME's Most Influential People list and even graced one of seven different covers, she was on the cover of People for the 25 Most Intriguing People issue, she was on a different late night talk show just about every other night throughout the year, Hunger Games: Catching Fire was released and saw huge success (as of January 5, 2014, Catching Fire has grossed $830,539,699 worldwide, making it the 36th highest grossing film of all freaking time), played a supporting role in American Hustle and has been nominated for Best Supporting Actress by the Golden Globes, the Screen Actors Guild, and the Critic's Choice Awards, was announced to have a role in East of Eden (set out in 2015, along with Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, Part 1 comes out in 2014, also with J-Law) as well as The Rules of Inheritance, appeared in The Devil You Know (although she didn't have any lines and the movie itself didn't get rave reviews, so maybe we shouldn't mention this for her sake), she hosted Saturday Night Live, named Associated Press's Entertainer of the Year, and to cap it all off, she was ranked No. 1 on AskMen's list of the Top 99 Most Desirable Women of the Year.
Scenario 2- Invented a time traveling machine, walked on water, made Kristen Stewart giggle and had a cheesesteak with the Pope. You tell me what would be a more impressive year.
Jennifer Lawrence literally made 2013 her bitch. She was chosen for countless other awards that I didn't even include in there because I kept finding out new ones. She's going to need five mantles in her home just to fit all of these. And its not even like she was annoying, like Miley was for most of the year. Jennifer Lawrence has the most down to earth personality in all of Hollywood. For example, on her appearance on Late Night with David Letterman, Letterman went Creepy Old Man Letterman on us and brought out a blanket to climb under with Lawrence on the couch. Most people would have pepper sprayed Dave in that situation, but Lawrence laughed it off and played along. Why? Either she's cool and free-spiritied and laid back or she's secretly just as creepy. For the benefit of the doubt, we'll go with free-spirited. I mean, look at how she handled tripping at the Oscars. Look at how she interviews when people ask her stupid questions. Look at how she cut her hair, took criticism and talked about the importance of inner beauty. Look at how great of a role model she is for the young generation and how inspiring she can be to twenty somethings who have a dream. Look at how she doesn't conform to the Hollywood myth of weighing under 45 pounds to actually be attractive. She is a role model and a true personality, and incredibly successful. Miley, it was a good run and you definitely had your fifteen minutes of fame in 2013. 2013 will be remembered in years to come as the Summer of Miley, there is no doubt about that. But, Jennifer Lawrence did too much in 2013 in a better fashion than Miss Cyrus. Thanks for coming, Miley. At least we got to ring in the new year with you!
Jennifer Lawrence to the Final Four!
With two tickets punched to the big dance, we check in on the "Step into Christmas Technology" Region!
(2) Netflix vs (4) Snapchats- Whenever a phase becomes a cultural boom, something big is happening. Unfortunately for the committee who has to decide here, both Netflix and Snapchat were examples of that in 2013. Suddenly, people started binge watching TV shows and staying in on Friday nights to watch movies on Netflix. And suddenly, people got the new iPhone and immediately started sending text messages of their faces or their food or some short six second video to their friends who also had iPhones who were also sending text messages of their faces or their food or some short six second video to their friends who also had iPhones...and well, you get the point. But what do you notice in that last sentence? Other than some dumb reasoning, which has really been throughout this entire novel so we can't stop here (Miley won't go away!), we notice that the key there is people with iPhones. Anyone can buy Netflix, and while I suppose anyone can buy an iPhone, anyone can also use Netflix. By that I mean people don't need a Netflix account to take part in the beauty of the invention. Through using other people's passwords and through watching Netflix at a buddy's house, anyone with a pulse can enjoy the extensive TV show and movie library. Just because you're alive, doesn't give you access to Snapchat. You actually have to go buy an iPhone (unless you're drunk Snapchatting on your friends phone) (also, I think I just used the word "Snapchatting"?).
For as big as Snapchats were in 2013, Netflix was simply bigger. And sure, its been around for a while, but that actually helps me in my defense of sending Netflix past Snapchat. Netflix is like a wine getting better with age or Barry Bonds. Netflix is like Stiffler's mom in American Pie or Paula from 40 Year-Old Virgin. Netflix is like all of the dorks in high school who got picked on by the kids who are going to be on welfare while said dorks run the world in about ten years. Netflix kicked more ass when it got older than ever before, and that is impressive and inspiring to those going through a mid life crisis who are reading this. Those of you in that category, I want you to pour yourself a drink, kick back with a bowl of queso dip and a bag of chips, and put on some Breaking Bad (Breaking Bad won't go away, either!) on your Netflix and take the rest of the day off. That's how you tango.
And last and depending on how you feel about politics and inanimate objects, least, we turn to the the "Frosty the Snowman Politics and Inanimate Objects" Region!
(5) Selfie vs (7) Twerking- Twerking was coming out of this region as soon as it upset Breaking Bad. I could have told you that way back to save you the trouble, but that'd be a spoiler and who really enjoys spoilers? Not true, I used to. Back when I watched Survivor like it was a pre-requistie for being alive, I used to always go online and look for spoilers. Of course, this was fresh Internet time in my household, when I would have to unhook the telephone and pray one of my family members wasn't being rushed to the hospital and desperately calling us to no avail all because I wanted to know if Rupert was going to be voted off or not. But, nevertheless, spoiler alert, twerking to the Final Four.
One last thought on selfies. What the hell took mankind so long to start taking them? I mean, the concept is too easy for it to have not happened already. Taking a picture of yourself? That is all a selfie is. Why did this not become a big thing until 2013? When was the camera invented? As early as the 19th century, apparently. So why wasn't Harriet Tubman taking selfies on the Underground Railroad? I'll answer that. Because now, people are so obsessed with themselves that selfie's are a thing. Of course Tubman wasn't going to take a selfie, she was preoccupied with saving slaves. Of course JFK wasn't going to take any selfie's, he was busy running a country. In today's world, we are all so focused on "I", that we forget about what else we can be doing. Why do people feel the need to take a selfie and post it to Facebook every single day? A selfie every now and then, okay. A selfie to send to your loved one or family member, I totally get that. A selfie to show off how happy you are this morning and that you're going to be "extra fierce today" and warning your Facebook friends and the world to "watch out"? I don't get that. Did I really just spend an entire paragraph explaining why selfie isn't worthy of beating out twerking? Good riddance, 2013.
Final Four
Last year's Final Four: LeBron James, Carly Rae Jepsen, Live Tweeting Everything Imaginable, The Mayans and 12-21-12
This year's Final Four: LeBron James, Jennifer Lawrence, Netflix, Twerking
so there's that. He will always be cocky and a douche at heart. Jennifer Lawrence's list of accomplishments and accolades in 2013 is a force to be reckoned with that LeBron James can't handle. LeBron is just going to have to star in the next Star Wars to be able to make the championship round of this tournament. In fact, if LeBron James was a major role in the next Star Wars, I'm telling you right now he would win this tournament that year. I just made that rule.
Second Matchup: Netflix vs Twerking
This one is a little bit tougher. As much as I love Netflix, we have all heard the reasons why, twerking was bigger in 2013. It just was. Everyone was doing it, everyone was talking about it. That never happened with Netflix. Netflix was huge and don't get me wrong, it played a big part in 2013. But twerking was just everywhere you looked for a while there. Just like the Macarena in the 90's, twerking is the dance move craze in 2013. I'm telling you guys, aliens have to despise us.
Final Matchup for The Nugget Blog Second Annual "This Was Your Year" Award
This year's Final Four: LeBron James, Jennifer Lawrence, Netflix, Twerking
In our second installment of this tournament, LeBron James is the lone repeat in the Final Four. Good for him! Last year, he wasn't able to beat teen pop star Carly Rae Jepsen, who wound up winning it all because of Call Me Maybe. Live Tweeting everything imaginable met its fate in the Final Four and lost to those pesky Mayans. Those pesky Mayans wound up winning the whole damn thing, after all. They may not have predicted the right outcome for the planet Earth, but they did give us a scare. Well, onward with 2013, let's find out who it belongs to...
Let's first recap the winners of each region and see their matchups:
Winner of the Sports Region ("Do They Know Its Christmas")- LeBron James
Winner of the Pop Culture and Entertainment Region ("Christmas Shoes")- Jennifer Lawrence
Winner of the Technology Region ("Step into Christmas")- Netflix
Winner of the Politics and Inanimate Objects Region ("Frosty the Snowman")- Twerking
First Matchup: LeBron James vs Jennifer Lawrence
LeBron met his fate in this spot last year, and it happens again this year. Sure, LeBron is a physical specimen who is far and away the best athlete on the face of the planet. But right now, Jennifer Lawrence is just as easily the most promising and most talented young star. Not even actress, I'm not holding her to that. She is a young star because of how talented she is. She can just as easily get a role in a sitcom and nail it for the next decade. LeBron might have won a championship, but come on, Lawrence won award after award after award. Plus, if we're taking personality into this (and we are), Lawrence edges out James. James has slowly started earning more respect from his haters, but he did tweet
I swear I could be a offensive coordinator! I called the slant to Benjamin! He 6'5 in the red zone!
— LeBron James (@KingJames) January 7, 2014
so there's that. He will always be cocky and a douche at heart. Jennifer Lawrence's list of accomplishments and accolades in 2013 is a force to be reckoned with that LeBron James can't handle. LeBron is just going to have to star in the next Star Wars to be able to make the championship round of this tournament. In fact, if LeBron James was a major role in the next Star Wars, I'm telling you right now he would win this tournament that year. I just made that rule.
Second Matchup: Netflix vs Twerking
This one is a little bit tougher. As much as I love Netflix, we have all heard the reasons why, twerking was bigger in 2013. It just was. Everyone was doing it, everyone was talking about it. That never happened with Netflix. Netflix was huge and don't get me wrong, it played a big part in 2013. But twerking was just everywhere you looked for a while there. Just like the Macarena in the 90's, twerking is the dance move craze in 2013. I'm telling you guys, aliens have to despise us.
Final Matchup for The Nugget Blog Second Annual "This Was Your Year" Award
Jennifer Lawrence vs Twerking
First things first, congratulations to anyone who is still reading. You are a true hero. Second off, congratulations to the field of 32 from this year. Overall, you were far and away more disappointing than 2012. And third, I always think its funny when twerking goes up against a person. "Jennifer Lawrence vs Twerking" just sounds so ridiculous. LOL!
This is a really tough final matchup to decide who is taking home the hardware this year. I mean, in one corner you have easily the most successful talent of the year and in the corner you have the most popular fad and craze of the year. How does one decide between the two? Both were equally as important to the year. We couldn't have had 2013 without Lawrence and her antics or The Hunger Games. We also couldn't have had 2013 without people posting twerking videos every ten seconds or Miley Cyrus's twerks being the conversation at water coolers everywhere. So how can one be more important, bigger and better in 2013?
I asked myself "In six years, what will we remember more when bringing up the year 2013?" Will we remember Jennifer Lawrence or will we remember twerking. Honestly, as huge as twerking was in 2013, it was kind of around before this year. People were already doing it. It just got a name and a spokesMiley for it. And really, is it fair to the year that Jennifer Lawrence had to name twerking over her? It might take a few seconds to think about it in 2019 when we try to think back to who or what had the best 2013, but I think people will remember it was the year Jennifer Lawrence started to really break out. I would like to hope it isn't the year of twerking. So maybe this is my last effort from 2013 to save humanity and right this ship! Either way,
Jennifer Lawrence, This Was Your Year! Happy New Year's everyone!
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