Ranking the Top 100 Players in the NBA Today- Part 1 (100-80)

So, you're getting out of bed this morning. You're a little groggy, you put your eyes into the palm of your hand as if you just found out that everyone on earth was murdered last night and you are the last one left. You stretch a little, eventually make it out of bed and into the bathroom. You look in the mirror, see your disheveled hair and smell your morning breath. A few minutes later and you're in the shower thinking "Now, I know LeBron is the best player in basketball today, but as far as the next 99 go, well I'm shit out of luck for knowing that. Gee." Well, hombre, allow me to step in. Not the shower, that would be creepy, I'm stepping into your dilemma. Not the shower.


I decided I have enough free time through the time where I have no free time but don't feel like doing the things that are important to put together a list of the top 100 players in the NBA today based off their play in the 2012-13 season. For those of you thinking that I have no life and need a new hobby, I'm glad you know me so well by now.

So, before I could start, I sat through about fifteen minutes of commercials like this and this. Got me right in that ranking mood, ya know what I mean, playa?

Next, I threw out the following names: Rajon Rondo, Derrick Rose, Lou Williams, Amar'e Stoudemire, Anderson Varejao, Danny Granger, Kevin Love and Rasheed Wallace. Except for Sheed, these guys would have cracked the top 100 had injuries not limited them to less than 45 games this year. Quick shoutout though to Sheed, he retired recently and I got an ESPN Alert text about it for some reason. Has to be the first text ESPN has ever sent out about Rasheed Wallace that didn't involve a technical or hair. Or both.

Next, I tried to decide what criteria I would base it off of, and gave up. I was giving myself a migraine trying to come up with some way to weigh (Way to Weigh is either a really cool or really bad band name, I can't decide) defensive versus offensive versus rebounding versus scoring versus momma banging versus flopping versus Tracy McGrady. So, don't ask about my criteria and don't ask about the time my gum fell out of my mouth while I was on the treadmill at the gym. They are both sore subjects. 

So, get ready my readers, we're in for a ride! And for reference, Mike James is in dead last on the expanded version of this list, followed closely by Jason Terry's mouth.

100) VINCE CARTER, DALLAS MAVERICKS
At age 36, Vinny C is showing us that he can still ball. That is the blackest sentence I have ever written. 

Carter has appeared in almost every single one of the Mavericks games this season and has averaged almost 26 minutes a game. Carter has not been invisible in those 26 minutes, posting a 13-4-2 this season. Remember, all at age 36 and all while still being Vince Carter. A brilliant career is coming to a close soon, despite the fine season Carter has put up in 2013. He has passed Hal Greer, Larry Bird, Gary Payton and recently Clyde Drexler to move into 27th place on the all-time scoring list. With 1,121 more points (he has a little over 1,000 this season, so one more year like this and it is certainly possible) he would pass Elgin Baylor, Adrian Dantley and Robert Parish. 

Carter has offered Dallas stability and consistency, something they would have otherwise been lacking since Dirk missed a good amount of the season in the beginning of the year. Dallas still managed to win 40 games, but will miss the playoffs for the first time in 13 seasons. That is not Carter's fault though. Well, at least not on the court. I can't imagine many players are lobbying to see him around next season. Maybe Mark Cuban will replace him with Brittany Griner or Monica (played by Sanaa Lathan, or the voice of Donna Tubbs in Family Guy) from Love & Basketball. 

99) REGGIE EVANS, BROOKLYN NETS
Reggie Evans has pissed me off like nobody else this season. When Evans was on the 76ers a way's back, he could not have been any less important. This season, Evans grabs 14 rebounds before the first timeout of the game is called. I saw Evans live in one of the two 76ers games I made it to (I also saw the Sixers-Celtics game back in early December when Courtney Lee missed a wide open three to win the game. Sure, Boston made the playoffs and Philly won 34 games, but we didn't have Courtney Lee AND Jason Terry on our team this season. Pat-2, JET-0) and he grabbed what seemed like 35 boards. Evans only cracks the list though for his rebounding prowess this season, lets get that elephant out of the room.

Evans is a scrappy veteran who looks like some weird cross between James Harden, Mr. T and D-Von Dudley. Now, if we could get Jared Dudley on the Nets and change our rebounding machine's last name to Dudley, that'd be something. Probably something stupid, but definitely something. Anyway, the Nets honestly probably don't grab the four seed in the East this season without Evans reincarnation. I honestly think he was that valuable for them. I think they still grab the five or six seed, but that loses home court. So, Evans can be proud that he got the Nets home court advantage in the pitch black Barclay's Center. Has anyone brought that up yet on ESPN or something, or am I the only one whose noticed that the lighting in the Barclay's Center isn't that far off from the acting in Funny People, non-existing?

98) JASON THOMPSON, SACRAMENTO KINGS
When putting together your personal list of favorite "JT's", Justin Timberlake better be number one. His most recent album should have cemented that place in our hearts. But after that, its pretty up in the air. I mean, you've got Jason Terry, James Taylor, John Travolta, Joseph Taggart, and Jim Thome. Jeremiah Trotter is dead last on my list. 

But Jason Thompson probably doesn't appear on many people's lists, but he should. He is a talented basketball player, don't get me wrong. He cracked this list didn't he? His 2013 numbers? Per game this season, and he played in all 82, he averaged 28 minutes, 50% shooting, 11 points and 6 boards to go along with just under 1 block and steal. He also played tremendous defense for a lousy overall team. Hey, he won the Sacramento Kings Oscar Robertson Triple Double Award, which as far as I can tell, goes to the player who does the most off the court and at least decent on the court. That's where Thompson earns his spot on Mount Rushmore of JT, he is a great dude who is very charitable. And for the record, the Mount Rushmore of JT looks something like this: Justin Timberlake, James Taylor, John Travolta and Jason Thompson. I would have put Jim Thome or Jim Thorpe, or even Joe Theismann on there, but I have one reason against each of them. Thome and Thorpe each played baseball, I'm not letting a baseball player on the Mount Rushmore of JT unless they were one of the top 50 ever. And Joe Theismann has no place on a prestigious monument like my Mount Rushmore of JT. Instead, I will put him in the Grand Canyon of Awful Sports Announcers, along with Chris Collinsworth, Tim McCarver, Bill Russell, and the entire Phillies broadcasting crew. 

97) LUIS SCOLA, PHOENIX SUNS
Luis Scola has the luck of playing on the organization with the worst front office from the past decade, and the least amount of scoring options in the NBA. So, to clock in on this list at all is a tribute to Scola's dominance down low and defensively. Scola's stat sheet wasn't bad this season: he averaged a 12-6-2 with almost one steal per game. But Scola just wasn't the player he used to be, not that he was ever a dominant one. A few years ago, maybe two or three seasons, I would have had Scola in my top fifty for sure. However, at 32, and wasting away on the Suns, those days are likely over.

Still, Scola managed to impress us this season on a team that won just 25 games. FYI, this was only the fourth time in franchise history (not including the lockout in 1999, when they were 27-23) that the Suns failed to crack thirty wins. They've been around since 1968. That's impressive for a team that has yet to win a championship. Scola even said back in early April that he was "surprised they had won 23 games playing the way they had all season long". Scola provided veteran leadership on a young team, but really was not able to do anything with it. The bottom line is they won 23 games, he had a pretty weak supporting cast, but he still gets thing done down low and in the post and that's why he is #97 on this list. I've always been pretty bored watching Scola play. Lets just say if Scola were to retire today, I don't think I would even notice until I was doing next season's Sporcle on the starting rosters in the NBA and his name wasn't coming up. Is that fair? No, he's pretty good. He just bores me. Same with how Girl Meets World will likely make me feel. I loved Houston Rockets Scola, I am bored by Phoenix Suns Scola. I loved Boy Meets World, I can already tell I'm gonna be bored by Girl Meets World. The guy in the link is much more optimistic about this show than I am, I am fully anticipating a train wreck.

Oh, Luis Scola is good.

96) AMIR JOHNSON, TORONTO RAPTORS
95) DEMAR DEROZAN, TORONTO RAPTORS
I decided to combine forces for these two slots, giving the Raptors back to back somethings other than losing seasons. Toronto finished 34-48, yet only 4 games out of the Eastern Conference playoffs. They don't get to 34 wins without the Rudy Gay deal, but we'll get there later when I grossly overrate Gay (shades of Tobais Funke here (could have made a Harvey Milk joke here, but I didn't because I loved the movie Milk. Great acting, great story)). They also don't win 34 games without Johnson and DeRozan. Johnson averaged career highs in points (10.0) and boards (7.5), while DeRozan averaged career highs in points (18.1), boards (3.9) and assists (2.5). DeRozan actually played the fourth most minutes in the entire league this past season. Johnson and DeRozan give the Raptors size in their starting five, as the two are both listed as 6'9'' and 6'7'' respectively, and weighing a combined 426 pounds. Both are also young and hopefully are an integral part of the future for this franchise, as both are under 27. 

Think of the Raptors starting five next season: Johnson, DeRozan, Gay, Kyle Lowry, and Jonas Valanciunas. They'll have Mikael Pietrus and Andrea Bargnani coming back from injury to help from the bench or as valuable trade assets. They also will boast a bench led by Aaron Gray, Terrence Ross and Landry Fields. Let's not forget that my boy, John Lucas III, is rotting away in Toronto! That infamous six assist game in a win against Dallas back in early December will forever reign in our hearts. So yeah, Johnson and DeRozan are a vital part of this Toronto rebuilding stage that has been going on and could finally result in the playoffs next season. 

94) TOBIAS FUNKE TOBIAS HARRIS, ORLANDO MAGIC
There. I got out the Tobias Funke joke that we all knew was coming out of the way in the name line so you didn't even really need to pay much attention to it. For those keeping track at home, I think I've made an Arrested Development joke about as often as they say fuck in Scarface or how often they sing a corny and lame lyric in Suga Suga. I'm not kidding, go listen to that song again and come back when you're done. Did you listen? Yeah, that lyric actually was "So fly like a dove, so fly like a raven. Quick to politic with some fly conversation." Gotta love Baby Bash.

Tobias Harris probably would have cracked the top 75, at least, had he started the entire season for Orlando. Harris really came on towards the end of the year, when, granted, the Magic went in to Tank Mode and somehow wound up with the worst record in the league. Orlando now will have the best chance at picking first in the worst NBA draft in recent memory. There isn't even a unibrow to give us something to talk about with this year's class. Bummer. Anyway, like I said, Harris really turned it on when he came to Orlando in the JJ Redick deal with Milwaukee. In the beginning of the season, Harris got a stingy 11 minutes a game for a shitty Bucks team. Since he was traded to Orlando, he go 35 minutes a game and immediately responded, blowing off 17 points and 9 rebounds a game. JJ Redick got lost in the Bucks freefall into the eight seed for the right to get their asses whooped by Miami. Milwaukee had to have known they had lightning in a bottle with this kid. How do you screw up so mightily on a trade like that? Redick is not someone who you jump at to bring into your organization, a guy like Harris is. Harris has the speed and skill and size to make it in the NBA and I really expect him to crack the top 75 or better in next season's ranking. (Bucks fans everywhere just Googled "most depressing Puddle of Mudd song" and locked themselves in a closet)

For reference, Bucks fans, the most depressing Puddle of Mudd song is hands down Drift and Die. Go check it out and imagine the 45 point game Tobias Harris is inevitably going to rip off against your Bucks next season. 

93) GERALD HENDERSON, CHARLOTTE BOBCATS
Gerald Henderson helped keep me alive in my fantasy basketball playoffs, en route to a loss in the championship game, but still. And for that, he gets the nod here in the top 100. His game is all about scoring, averaging a 15-3-2 this season. But that is all Charlotte can really ask out of him given their current scoring ineptitude. The Bobcats score about as often as Joey Gladstone. That was harsh, I love Joey. Except for the one episode where he buys DJ a new car and it ends up being stolen. In order to prevent Joey from being arrested, the family tells stories of how goofy and harmless (basically how much of a pansy he is) Joey is, to which the officer eventually buys it and leaves. Joey is devastated and offended, and throws a tantrum threatening to leave before the crew convinces him they need him. It has got to be the worst episode of any TV show in the 90's not named the The Drew Carey Show. 

Henderson saw most of his success come from the 3 spot this season, but Mike Dunlap liked to experiment with him all over the court, which probably hindered him from putting up even better stats than the ones he already did. Henderson plays his best in the 3, and hopefully with Dunlap being released, the next Bobcats coach (MJ! MJ!) will see that. Henderson can produce defensively sometimes, although rarely, as he did average a steal a game and he is very athletic. My favorite thing about Henderson though? There is an internet forum for girls (I'm hoping) to discuss whether or not Henderson has a girlfriend, and what type of girl they think he'd be in to. How many athletes can say they have one of these? I guarantee you Chris Kaman made a fake one for himself. 

92) AARON AFFLALO, ORLANDO MAGIC
Another guy who is a scoring first, and second, player, Afflalo was supposed to be one of the better guards in the league this past season and mightily underplayed. He is still a great scorer who can hit a three from anywhere, and still good enough to make my top 100 (even though he got hurt during the stretch run on my 2k team this year). The reason I'm worried about Afflalo for the future is because of what I just said about his three game. He struggled from three point range this season and one has to wonder why that is. One just has to wonder!!!

Afflalo scored 16 points a game, and really that is about all you get with him. You can rely on him to give you a little less than 20 a night, he might make some clutch shots for you, and he's got a cool name. That's really the Afflalo game in a nutshell. You know what is interesting, though? Imagine our boy Aaron in a Cavaliers uniform? Could some kind of deal work out between Cleveland and Orlando with Afflalo as the centerpiece (for the record, were a trade with Afflalo as the main guy to ever happen, SportsCenter would not even mention it), I think he would fit in great on the Cavs roster with Irving. Cleveland has some promising young guys, and adding another scorer, especially if he returns to his three point prowess, could greatly improve them. I'm checking this out now.......

Got it! I added my 76ers in to make it a three team, six player deal. Orlando gets Dion Waiters and Alonzo Gee from Cleveland, Phily gets Tyler Zeller and Kyle O'Quinn (to get bigger and more interesting) from Orlando and Cleveland, and the Cavaliers add Afflalo and Lavoy Allen. I love the Cavs moving forward with a nucleus of Irving, Varejao, Thompson, Afflalo, Allen and company. Even if it means trading Waiters, because honestly, I don't see the potential that everyone else does. I'm calling it right now, in three years, Dion Waiters will be waiting on you at your nearest Denny's (see what I did there!)

91) JOSE CALDERON, DETROIT PISTONS
Who led the league in three point shooting percentage this season, with a modest 46%? Jose Calderon baby! Calderon also was second in the league in assists per turnover, which really sounds like something I learned in managerial accounting, with 4.1. Calderon is a smart NBA player. He is pass-first, turnover never and can go on scoring bunches when defenses least expect it. He fits perfectly with what the Pistons do, feeding guys like Brandon Knight, Greg Monroe and Andre Drummond the ball and picking up the slack when no one can get it going. Calderon also came dangerously close to a 50-40-90 season, shooting about 50% from the field with Toronto and Detroit combined, 46% from three (also combined) and 90% from the line (also combined). No one cared though, because Jose Calderon is just some dude without much personality right?

Wrong, this guy owns an organic pig farm! How awesome is that! That alone should have gotten Calderon into the top 90, who the hell is writing this thing?!

Calderon is a dependable player who can help any team with his efficiency. Though he averaged 11 points and 7 assists a game, he isn't a guy who is going to pad the stat sheet. For anyone who has read Bill Simmons The Book of Basketball, Calderon is a guy who knows the Secret. For those who didn't spend about six total days worth reading that mammoth, this means he knows winning in the NBA isn't about putting up gaudy stats, but about sacrificing for the greater good and putting what the team needs first. Now of course, Calderon has spent his whole career on relatively shitty teams, but thats not the point. Its not his fault is the point. 

90) ANDRE MILLER, DENVER NUGGETS
Another ex-76er who was not really that great (although Miller was dramatically better than Evans during their Philly tenures) who found themselves after leaving Philadelphia. Also, just as a footnote not relegated to a footnote, I didn't originally have Andre Miller making this list, but as I was compiling it, he made that buzzer-beater, the first of his life, in Game 1 of the first round series with the Golden State Warriors. I just thought that was some kind of sign or some kind of message Big Andre was sending my way, so I bumped Emeka Okafor and made room for Miller (also bumping him up a lot, since I had Okafor at #97 for some reason. I had to have been drunk when I made that decision). To make up for the fact that I had Okafor making this list, I not only knocked him off of it, but I also am officially making him a starter on my team of guys who constantly look like they have forgotten where they are during games. The starting five you ask? Lamar Odom, Emeka Okafor, Chris Bosh, JaVale McGee and Anthony Davis. That might also be the biggest starting five in the history of anything. Goes to show you that just because you're tall, you're probably dumb. At least in the NBA. And the hate mail begins......

Anyway, Andre Miller does get the job done year in and year out, no matter what team he is on. The fact that when you google Andre Miller, the first thing to come up is "Andre Miller Richard Pryor" only helps his cause. Miller added another 74 games to his near 1,200 career, which is a milestone he can pass if he plays two more seasons. He averaged 26 minutes a game, at age 37, on one of the fastest tempo teams in the league. The man is a workhorse. He averaged 10 points and five assists off the bench, helping mentor Ty Lawson to flourish in the point guard position. The more I thought about it, the more I wondered why I would leave Miller off of my original list. I came to the realization that Miller is so consistently good, that people forget about him. He is good for ten and five a game so often that people just assume it. You rarely hear an Andre Miller joke. That's not because he is a boring dude, I mean how many Lavoy Allen jokes do you hear (which is unfair for me to say, I used to think his name was LaBoy, which turned into an inside joke with my friend. Whoops.)? Andre Miller has gotten it done for so long that he just gets lost in the league. I was shocked when I found out that was his first buzzer beater. He's been in the league since 1999 and has only once played in less than 57 games. And in that season when he only played (and started) 23 games, he was averaging a 13-5-10, so yeah. Andre Miller was one of the top 100 players in this season and Emeka Okafor was not. Andre Miller was one of the top 100 players in this season and Emeka Okafor was not. Andre Miller was one of the top 100 players in this season and Emeka Okafor was not.

89) MARCIN GORTAT, PHOENIX SUNS
Our boy Gortat averaged career highs this season in assists (1.2), steals (0.7), blocks (1.6), and most often mistaken for Jon Barry in a subway (976). The Polish Hammer (stealing this nickname) started 61 games for the abysmal Suns and scored 11 points and grabbed 8 boards a game. A foot sprain hinged Gortat's efforts to finish out the season for Phoenix, and now his future is pretty uncertain. Gortat is an unrestricted free agent this season and the Suns might be perfectly okay with letting him walk. Don't get me started on the Suns front office, it'll make this blog even longer than it already is. Speaking of which, let's take a quick break. 

Louis C.K came out with a new routine recently and it is just as awesome as his old stuff. Here is a quick clip of one of my favorite jokes from it. I've never seen a bad Louis C.K stand up bit, I've never seen a good episode of Louie. How does that happen? It's like if Sinbad came out with a really funny show after years of all his dreadful standup. It doesn't make any sense. 

Anywho, Marcin Gortat had a fantastic season that would have looked better had he not hurt his foot. Now, according to my sources over at Bleacher Report, rumor has it that Phoenix could potentially trade Gortat, Michael Beasley and $3 million along with a 2013 second-round pick to Portland for, ready, Portland's 2013 first and second round pick. Now, this doesn't surprise me, going back to the "don't get me started on the front office of the Suns" stigma. But how, in the history of how, does it make sense for them to make this trade. This is possibly the worst NBA draft class ever, there are no locks and the talent pool is slim picking. Why give up Beasley, Gortat and the cash for a first rounder (essentially looking at a wash with the second round picks, even though it's likely downgrading for the Suns)? Unless Phoenix has scouted some gems that they want to lock up in the draft, I don't see how it makes any sense. Gortat will likely come back healthy, he will likely only commend $3 million a year to resign him, and Beasley has "I'm going to thrive in this new town and come back and kick your ass, probably on national television" all over him. Phoenix is only good at making dumb picks and  allowing for twenty seconds until the last call.

88) CHANDLER PARSONS, HOUSTON ROCKETS
Ah, my main man Chandler. You know who the most popular Chandler is on the Web? That's right, not right Chandler from Friends. Mista Parsons. Somehow, I don't care how good a season Parsons put together, how the fuck did he leap frog Chandler from Friends on the google search? Unless Parsons googles himself everyday, well, even then. Whatever, I'm getting too worked up over this and we still have 89 players to go. I just don't understand how it happened, eh, okay, we're done.

In just his second season, Parsons improved his efficiency from beyond the arc by about 5%, increasing his shot from 33.7% to 38.5%. He shot almost 49% from the field. He increased across the board from his rookie season, improving from 9.5 PPG to 15.5 PPG, 2.1 APG to 3.5 APG, 4.7 RPG to 5.3 RPG, 55% from the line to 73% and 57 games started to 76. I love Parsons and think he has tons of potential. I stole him from the free agent wire late in the season in my fantasy basketball league, apparently no one knows anybody in Houston not boasting the "Beard of the Year" or named Jeremy Lin. And even the Lin thing is a stretch. As for "Beard of the Year", that easily goes to Harden, with Bradley Cooper coming in second, Brian Wilson in third and Michael Cera coming in dead last. But yeah, Parsons is a natural scorer who served as the go-to guy for the Rockets when Harden struggled. Without Parsons, I guarantee Houston is a lottery team right now. 

Also, apparently Jeremy Lin once crashed and spent the night on Parson's couch. Parsons is obviously a humble dude, giving up his couch like that. I wonder if it was awkward for Lin to ask Chandler if he can crash, and if Parsons had said no, I wonder if the Rockets would have needed to trade one of them after the dispute. That story would have been awesome and there's no doubt in mind Parsons and Lin would have cracked the top 20 if it did. 

87) ANDRE DRUMMOND, DETROIT PISTONS
Andre Drummond had a promising rookie campaign, putting up averages of 7.9 points, 7.6 rebounds, 1.6 blocks and 1 steal in 21 minutes a game. Not bad at all for a rookie, and certainly good enough to make this list. Drummond showed Pistons fans promise of what the future might hold if Detroit can keep their young nucleus together. I admit to buying high on the Pistons before the season started, you can see in my Super Big NBA Preview (which I will not post a link to out of humility, but more because of how far off I was) that I had them finishing eighth in the conference and being swept by the Miami Heat in the first round. Really, just swap Milwaukee in there and I would have looked a lot better. I banked on the wrong mediocre Central division team. Sue me.

Drummond might not look like an athletic basketball player (hey, don't hate the playa for bein the messenga, mayne) but he actually is. Check out this video for some of his best plays of the season. I love his swing around move. For as big a guy he is, clocking in a 6'10'' and 270 pounds, he is pretty agile and quick. He can pick off a pass and run the court with it, dish to guys in transition with no trouble, and dunk with the best of them. Drummond's biggest boast, at least to me, is his complete game. He has the size, sure, but so do lots of guys in this league. Drummond can beat you in so many different ways, and he showed that this season. I guarantee you if he played on, say, the Celtics, more people would be talking about him. Instead, he is wasting away in Detroit for now, as a major part of a major rebuilding process. Give the Pistons and Drummond a few years, and they'll both be household names again. Well, at least Drummond will. Fun fact about Detroit, there is technically no South Detroit, contrary to the most popular drunk karaoke song of all-time, Don't Stop Believing. Journey only used it because it had a better ring to it than "born and raised in North Detroit" and it definitely had a better ring to it than "born and raised in America's Automotive Capital" or "born and raised in THA D". And for those keeping track at home, the greatest Journey song of all-time is not Don't Stop Believing, but Separate Ways. If you don't believe me, check out one of the most underrated Jim Carrey scenes ever! Be Good to Yourself is also really good, but unfortunately has never been used in a Jim Carrey. Unless it was used in Mr. Popper's Penguins, than its lost forever.

86) JAVALE MCGEE, DENVER NUGGETS
JaVale McGee put up a strong case for "Pat's Least Favorite Player in the NBA Not On Miami or Named Kris Humphries" this season. I could go on and on for why, ranging from the fact that he looks like a moron to the moronic decisions he makes, but my editor won't let me (I have no editor, but if I did, I imagine he'd look something like this). Instead, I am going to jump right into my least favorite thing about McGee. The inability to utilize his size. McGee is 7'0'' tall and weighs in at 250 pounds. That is ideal for an NBA big man because he doesn't weight too much, so he is speedy, but he is taller than mostly everyone else. McGee should be posting double-doubles every single fucking night in that body. Instead? He averaged a 9-4 this season. How does someone who is 7'0'' and 250 pounds with his talent average under 5 rebounds a game?! It is mind blowing until you watch him play. He plays with no passion or heart and couldn't give any less of a shit about his teammates. He only cares about himself, and I know I never met the guy, but I guarantee it. Its obvious.

My favorite McGee story comes from his triple double that he posted against the Bulls in 2009. He scored 11 points, grabbed 12 boards and blocked 12 shots. Astounding numbers until you watched McGee take wily shots late in the blowout loss to ensure the milestone, even having the nerve to hold onto the rim after a dunk that gave him the triple double. He got a technical for that by the way, hazzah! Kevin McHale, who was commentating that game, criticized McGee for not getting a true triple double, which I think is awesome. McGee responded with this asinine comment, "I got a triple double. Who can say they got a triple double? I'm not really worried about it." What the hell does that even mean? McGee has the IQ of a stone. Its a shame because if you mixed McGee's body with a guy like Chauncey Billups, they'd be unstoppable. JaVale McGee also looks like he belongs on The Dinosaurs. There, I said it. 

85) RICKY RUBIO, MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES
Poor Ricky. Well, aside from being an international sensation and likely months away from a huge contract ensuring you as the face of a franchise, poor Ricky. 

Rubio sticks out in mind and will forever hold a place in my heart because of one night. Late December, back in '63. Me and my buddies were watching NBA League Pass late at night, it was a replay of some Lakers-Timberwolves game on at 2:30 in the morning. We had consumed more than a few beers (we were all trashed) and decided to just watch it because not much else was on (I'm pretty sure it was a Thursday night. That semester was fantastic, I had no classes on Fridays and no classes until 4 on Monday. That is essentially a four day weekend. I also met my girlfriend that semester, which tops everything. We're getting sappy here on the Nugget Blog, shout out to my lady, she's the best and my soulmate). After about five minutes of consistent "Dish the ball to Rubio, he'll score" and "Rubio dishes the ball to whoever the fuck he wants" moments, I was sold on the Ricky Rubio train. I haven't sold my ticket yet, but I did move my seat closer to the door.

Minnesota seems committed to trading Kevin Love and building around Rubio. This is fine, they can't keep them both just like they couldn't keep KG. These are the T'Wolves we're talking about. But I think that's a mistake. Rubio has battled too many injuries to convince me that he is the player he can be. We've seen flashes of brilliance. Trust me, that awe I felt from watching Rubio play was not because I was drunk of PBR. I've seen him play a many other times and more often than not, he is incredible. But look at his stats from this past season: 10.5-4-7.5. Rubio will always be great at getting his teammates involved, and that is the main reason he is still on this list and ahead of a handful of players. He dishes the ball like Flo dishes insults to Progressive competitors. Rubio is exciting and young (only 22), but not the player I would build around when given the choice of Kevin Love. I love everything about a healthy Love. But still, Rubio is a great player and really exciting to watch. I hope everything works out against what I just said because Minnesota deserves the full Ricky experience. 

Rubio also averaged 2.5 steals a game. I love that stat, it reminds me of Allen Iverson. Have I mentioned yet in this article that I miss Allen Iverson? The fact that I haven't says good things. It only took about a decade to move on. 

84) CARLOS BOOZER, CHICAGO BULLS
Bulls fans will agree that Boozer puts up gaudy stats. Thats why we're throwing out Boozer's stat line right now: 16.1 PPG, 9.8 RPG, 2.2 APG. Boozer almost averaged a double double per game, and his 9.8 RPG was good enough for ninth in the league. Boozer has never scored under ten a game in a season, and has never averaged under 7.5 boards a game (and that was his rookie season). He has been in the league for 11 seasons now. Boozer is extremely underrated in the stats department, but the reason those very impressive stats didn't land The Italian Booze Train any higher on the list is defense. Carlos Boozer is about as defensive as a drunk frat guy being hit on by some stranger girl. Neither puts up much of a fight.

Boozer's defense is atrocious, and it wasn't always this bad. It seems as he has gotten older, and found himself on a team surrounded with great defensive players, he has felt that he can lay off a little bit. Boozer also isn't very efficient, shooting 47% from the field this season. That is a career low, and a drop-off from 53% last season. Nevertheless, Boozer does still boast that mid-range jumper and can score with the best of them. Boozer's offense carries him to the 84th slot on this prestigious list. 

I do miss those Utah Jazz teams anchored by Boozer and Deron Williams. I am so insanely bored by the current Jazz roster that I found myself rooting for the Lakers to make the playoffs at the end of this season so I didn't have to sit through some dreadful series with the Jazz in it. I can't watch them for more than 20 minutes, let alone at least a four game series (probably only four, they would have been swept by either the Thunder or Spurs). I also can't stand that they are the Jazz and in Utah, but thats a story for another day when we're stuck in an elevator or something. Those Jazz teams were exciting! Boozer and Williams are the most underrated duo that I would like to be in a band of three with. That band would be awesome. Although now it would suck because Deron Williams is a pansy and Boozer would see our talent and probably just stop playing the guitar in the background.

83) JEREMY LIN, HOUSTON ROCKETS
Our second Rockets player of the 80s, Jeremy Lin dropped off significantly from where I would have likely seeded him last season. If I did this article last season, Lin would have made my top 50, if not just based on his polarizing effect on the league. This year? People forgot about Linsanity. They tuned out of Linsanity. Linsanity was as desperate to stay relevant as Burger King or Judd Apatow. But, it burned out and settled in Houston, where all things go to stop being relevant. The Astros changed leagues, Matt Schaub plays there and my favorite memory of Houston is that WrestleMania X-7 took place in the Astrodome. And that was in 2001. So yeah, Linsanity died in Houston. That could be a good First Take song.

Still, even though about 953% less people cared about him this season compared to last season, Lin put up some solid numbers on a team almost entirely put together in the offseason. Omer Asik and James Harden were brought into start, something they weren't used to. The rest of the team was made up of young role players. Lin, as the point guard, stepped in and did just fine handling the situation. Though he struggled a little bit in the beginning of the season, he stepped his game up and ended the year averaging a 13-3-6 a night. 

I think the best thing that happened to Lin is James Harden. Harden came to Houston and fully embraced putting the team on his back. It worked. Harden was eighth on the list of team usage this season ( a confusing stat really, based on how much a team relies and uses a player. I'm willing to bet Marcus Camby came in last on that list) and took on the full burden of the spotlight. Lin was used to the ugly fame he had in New York, sharing the limelight with Carmelo Anthony before their ugly breakup left Lin out of town. Lin was able to focus on turning the ball over less this season and settle into his role of point guard and table setter, not shooting guard and table. If you know what I mean.

So I expect Lin to be in the top 7 point guards next season. Bold, I know. But I really think he has matured a lot in his game this season and fits perfectly on Houston. Lin even went to a driving range last November to hit some balls. He posted a picture to his Google+, thats how I know this. I did this a few times, and every time I aimed for that moving car that retrieves the balls, I missed. I could not hit that thing. I'd rather play darts than go to a driving range any day of the week. And I'd rather sit on my ass and play NBA 2k and take it way too seriously above everything else. 

82) WILSON CHANDLER, DENVER NUGGETS
The lesser known of the Chandlers in the NBA, Wilson put up a solid season and proved to be really valuable to Denver while the injury bug tried to end the Nuggets season. Chandler started seeing more and more playing time starting in February, evolving from the role bench player we were used to. Chandler ended the season averaging 12.7 points, 5.1 rebounds and 1.3 assists a game. Although these numbers are nothing to the stats he posted for the Zhejiang Lions in 2011. Chandler posted 26.6 points and grabbed 11 boards a game that season. If only I still had my CBA season tickets. Damnit.

I really don't know if Denver grabs homecourt in the playoffs without Chandler stepping up at times throughout the regular season. I mean, he's not valuable enough where I would claim that without him, Denver would have missed the playoffs or something like that. But he did step up big for them and deliver with the more playing time and larger role. I'm also starting to think I should break this blog up into five parts of twenty players, or else I might crash the internet. Do you know how many words we're up to? Almost 7,200, and we are still on the Wilson Chandlers of the world. So yeah, I'm making an executive decision and breaking thi baby up into 5 parts, Part 1 (100-80), Part 2 (79-60), Part 3 (59-40), Part 2 (39-20) and Part 1 (19-1). Sorry to Wilson Chandler for interrupting his section, but there really is not much to say about him. He was important, and worthy of #82 on the list, but he really doesn't instill much to write about. So, instead, lets talk about Indiana Jones. I was watching a marathon this past weekend, and realized that the Temple of Doom is not as close to the other two as I thought. It had been a while since I watched that one, and I remember loving it as a kid. I just think it doesn't compare to either of the other movies (I am not even counting the fourth one. To me, it doesn't exist. Same with the third Mummy movie) and falls incredibly short in comparison with Raiders of the Lost Arc. That movie, oh man. Astounding every time you watch it. Well done, Harrison, well done. 

And Chandler, well done, Wilson.

81) ERSAN ILYASOVA, MILWAUKEE BUCKS
Say Ilyasova three times fast. 

Had this season, and list, been based solely off of the player's resume after the All-Star break, than Ilyasova might have been a lot higher. Listen to these post-break stats: 17.7 PPG, 9.2 RPG, 1.5 APG, 0.5 BPG, 1.0 SPG, and 26 3MB. That last stat isn't real, its just my favorite number and a trio of jobbers in the WWE. See, you were impressed. I knew we needed to break this thing up into parts. Anyway, Ilyasova's play did drop off from the prior season, but he seemed to find it after the All-Star break. Although, the Bucks seemed to lose all of their groove after the break, so I'm not sure what Bucks fans are more happy about. Sorry, Bucks fans, you've had a rough outing in this blog. Maybe I'll rank Larry Sanders first just so you have something to hold on to. 

Whoever runs RantSports felt the need to publish an article recently titled "The Miami Heat need to limit Ersan Ilyasova". That has to speak to his value, huh? Although for all I know, Ilyasova could be the one running RantSports, because as soon as I clicked on the link, my Mac froze up. I'm taking this as a sign to not buy a Chris Gatling Bucks jersey. But really, the article talks about how Ilyasova had the ability to swing the series. We know better than this, but it does have some good points. Ilyasova is the fourth best player on this Bucks team, which isn't saying much for a team that failed to reach over 38 wins and still made the playoffs, but he is talented. He can attack you from all over the court and can kill you from beyond the arc. He shot 44% from long range this season. There really is no glaring strong point in Ersan's game, but there is no weakness either. He is such a well-rounded player, and plays so consistently, that I toyed with putting him in the top 75 for a solid ten minutes before realizing that I don't put that much thought into most things. I eventually settled for right here, but I'm not done yet. We need a nickname for Ilyasova because of how annoying it is to type Ilyasova every single fucking time. And we're not on a first name basis yet so I don't like referring to him as Ersan. So, I settled on Ilya-Misunderstood Teen, based on this picture. Yeah, I know its longer, but it fits. I just wonder who took this picture and why it happened. This will bother me, I guarantee it. 

80) JARRETT JACK, GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
Well, my fellow Nuggers (this is me being racy and pushing boundaries without actually insulting anyone, unless Nugger means something in some foreign language. Shit, this thing is worldwide. Shit) we're on the last playa of Part 1. And it is time for me to make the case for Jarrett Jack's Missing Sixth Man of the Year Award Despite Me Ranking JR Smith Ahead of Jack On This List Case. Did you get all that, because we're not stopping from now on.

Without Jarrett Jack, the Warriors do not make the playoffs this season. I am not budging from that statement. Jack's 13 points and 6 assists off the bench (while playing 30 minutes) are vital to this team. More vital to the Warriors are Jack's leadership skills. JR Smith may have put up better numbers, but is that was the Sixth Man is about? I mean MVP, maybe. But shouldn't a little bit of the Sixth Man Award be derived from their presence and ability to come off the bench and stop bleeding or stop a cold spell? Jack does that every game. Jack is humble and a great leader who can always be depended on, and that is why he is due for a big payday soon. JR Smith may score more a game, and he might hit some clutch shots that get him on SportsCenter, but I don't want him on my team over Jack. When building a winning team, I want my sixth man to be able to score and lead my team with a great attitude. Jack does both, Smith just usually scores. 

I might be bitter about the fact that my roommate has beaten me in 2k more times than I can remember with Jarrett Jack. And if I am, so be it. I am sticking by my case though. And I know their roles are different, with Jack playing point, but he dished out 12 assists in the season finale win over the Spurs to help gain some momentum heading into the playoffs. I love that, everything about that. I won't compare that to Smith because Smith is not a point guard, but I think Jack deserves Sixth Man for reasons like that. I pick Jack over Smith anyday of the week, except in this list. Have I killed all of my credibility by doing that? Probably? Oh well. 

Join me someday soon for Part 4 where we look at how David Stern should retire and become either a broadcaster on TNT or compete in the next Celebrity Apprentice. Not really, we're just counting down more. Sorry.