David Stern? David's Turn

The NBA takes the back seat to the other leagues in the "Big 4" (excluding the NHL, if that needed to be stated), but there is one area where David Stern's league excels among the rest. The All-Star Weekend.

Admit it. You're really pumped for All-Star Weekend, aren't you? Nah, I don't care if you're as hardcore an NBA fan as 2Chainz is a marijuana fan, or if you're a closet NBA fan, you are excited for the All-Star Weekend. And you shouldn't be ashamed! We all are! For more than a few reasons, the NBA's celebration of it's finest athletes is the best in terms of quality, quantity and excitement across the board when it comes to the four major American sports leagues. 
The NFL Pro Bowl is so bad, it was moved in between the final week of the playoffs and the Super Bowl in a desperate attempt to draw more fans. The NHL All-Star Game includes hockey. The MLB All-Star Game has the most on the line, which actually is a bad thing in my opinion. In what world should home field advantage in the freakin World Series be determined by who wins the All-Star Game?! Teams may have zero participants that matter in the game and make it to the World Series, only to see a major determinant in how the series plays out be set from that game. Not to mention the thing is a total snooze and rarely is exciting. People don't watch it and I'm pretty sure it has gone to extra innings multiple times in the past few years? I don't even know nor care to look it up because I am falling asleep talking about.

I also don't think Bud Selig ending it in a tie back in 2002 was helpful for its image. Literally any other idea would have been better, even having these guys play 40 innings would have been smarter. Personally, I would have ended it by having all the players on each team standing on a giant weight and determining the winner by which squad has the highest total mass. You can't tell me that wouldn't have been entertaining! We would have gotten to see guys like Jason Giambi, Barry Bonds and Benito Santiago stand on a giant scale on national television to determine home field advantage for the World Series. I am giddy just thinking about it.

Anyway, the only all-star game worth watching in professional sports is the NBA's version. They capitalize on making an entire weekend out of it. Sure, MLB has the Celebrity Softball Game, which is mildly entertaining, kind of like this video. But the NBA takes up three days full of All-Star competition and entertainment. They, too, attract the audience of people who enjoy watching washed up players and awkward celebrities try their hand at the game (which absolutely includes me, although I do hold a grudge, more on that in a second). The NBA Celebrity All-Star Game is five hundred times better than baseball's softball game, mostly because it is not a freaking softball game. Basketball > Softball, and I played two years, gave two of my best years, to the sport of softball (intramural softball, but who reads whats in parenthesis) and I still agree with this inequality. My only qualm with the All-Star Game is whoever decides MVP. Justin Bieber won it back in 2011 and his team even lost! How the hell does that work?! I almost broke my television with the clicker (which has only ever happened a handful of times. I get very involved with sports, but only a few events have ever triggered the "Clicker at the Fuckin' TV" move. The Phillies loss to the St.Louis Cardinals in Game 5 of the 2011 NLDS, 1-freakin 0, did it. The Baltimore Ravens losing to the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2011 in the AFC Division Round of the playoffs after holding a three touchdown lead at halftime did it. Justin Bieber winning the 2011 All-Star MVP did it. Obviously, 2011 was a rough year for me sports wise.) The dude posted a minus 10 in 25 minutes! He only scored eight points, although I do remember him hitting an impressive three at one point in the game. But still, Jalen Rose should have won MVP because he is Jalen Rose and accounts for videos like this. Bieber didn't deserve that MVP and he thankfully isn't playing in this year's game.

I am looking forward to, as usual, seeing Kevin Hart play. Compared to Dwight Howard last year, Hart seriously looked like he was barely two feet tall. Hart takes his height in such light humor and always has fun with it, and is hilarious to watch during the game itself and in all the pre and post-game fun. Nick Cannon is taking his hand in the game this year, as is ESPN host Ryan Russilo, which should be hysterical. My favorite basketball player ever and star of the new hilarious Geico commercial, Dikember Mutombo, is also playing this year. With tons of bias, my pick for MVP this year is Mutombo or Hart. Moving on. 

The Rising Stars Challenge, which pits the outstanding rookies from this season against the best of the sophomores of the young year against each other, is possibly my favorite part of the whole shindig. Something that started last year as a way to improve viewership is having Charles Barkley and Shaq coach one of the teams. This is more entertaining because they are two of the most entertaining people involved with the NBA maybe ever. The other leagues could do a variation of this, but I don't think it would work in the NFL and baseball would never do something so lighthearted. If Bud Selig ever took this up, he would make the stipulation be whatever team the losing pitcher represents is banned from the postseason for five years.

The Skills Challenges are probably the most well-known and enjoyed of all the events in terms of national recognition, which is fine by me. The Three Point Challenge and the Dunk Contest are staples in All-Star Weekend and are probably more widely discussed than Jennifer Lawrence and the All-Star Game itself (speaking of Lawrence, is the rumor true that she had somebody ask Bradley Cooper out for her? Because first of all, while they are both awesome, I'm pretty sure Cooper is old enough to be her uncle or dad or something. I think Lawrence and Kevin Hart should get together, maybe I'll try spreading that rumor on my Twitter account. Oh, what's that my fine reader? My Twitter can be found here!) I think these are so entertaining because anybody can find these exciting. Guys doing really cool dunks, sometimes over a car or a seven foot tall dude?! That is nationally acceptable! Three-pointers are perhaps the second most exciting thing in basketball, and they kind of act like buzzer beaters here because each one is weighed so heavily. The only downfall is they only pick people who are good at three's and dunking. If I was commissioner, I would not think twice about forcing Kwame Brown into the Three Point Contest and Chris Bosh or Steve Nash into the Dunk Contest. Bosh would be forced because of his hilariously annoying celebrations, and, well Nash is white and awkward. 

And finally, the actual All-Star Game. The funny thing is, this is probably the least viewed and cared about event of the entire weekend. While I do still have a problem with the way the teams are cast, and the fans definitely don't take into account who is actually deserving of a spot, I am fine with the process. The NBA generally wants this whole weekend to be about the fans. If the fans still want to vote for Vince Carter, hell, let him start! And I really don't mind that because it keeps the fans in mind. The fans are the ones who care about this game, the ones who pay for it and who watch it, so let them see who they want to see. While it is a shame to see guys like Anderson Varejao, who is killing the league in rebounds this season, not getting the starting nod despite his stats, it is something I would change. Will people remember the year Varejao got snubbed as the starting center in the All-Star Game or will they remember watching Kevin Garnett start for maybe the last time of his illustrious career? And this is coming from an avid KG hater. Relish in this moment, let it sink in.

For people who complain that no defense is played in the game, who the hell are you? Why would we want to see defense? People love to see offense in basketball, at least in a game that doesn't matter. Personally, I would rather see Kyrie Irving run through the paint uncontested and slam one in than see Joakim Noah block somebody or foul Kobe Bryant on his way to the rim and send him to the line. These are good plays in the postseason, not wanted in the All-Star Game. We see 84-81 finals on a daily basis, lets have our one day of 160-152 basketball, please. 

In the end, David Stern is driving the bus for all-star games. None of the other three leagues are even close, they actually are not in the bus. Stern is just driving that ESPN commentators bus with Jeff Van Gundy. The only thing the NBA needs to worry about with this weekend is the player's behavior, which has caused some stories in the past. But being held in Houston instead of Las Vegas or Compton is a good call. And even so, the players have been more well-behaved in recent memory, making the All-Star Weekend that much more of a success.

I, for one, am through the roof stoked for All-Star Weekend, as I am every year. Kudos to Stern for getting one thing right for the fans, unless he fines the coaches for making to many substitutions. He might not want the Spurs to go far in the playoffs by fining them for not fielding their old and tired team for one night, but he did do that for the fans. Stern is the only commissioner in the Big 4 who does care about the product the fans are getting, and I respect the hell out of him for that. Stern was being interviewed the other day on ESPN about how he felt when Michael Jordan said he was gambling, er, taking a shot at his dream of playing baseball and leaving the NBA. Stern simply was proud of him for chasing his dream, acknowledged that it did suck to see him leave the league, and that he moved on. Class act.

A class act who runs the best celebration of his respective league's players. Enjoy All-Star Weekend 2013 everyone!