As this NBA regular season comes to a close, the Miami Heat are far and away the best team in the league. So instead of writing something really glamorous about a crew of guys I generally don't like (except for Dwayne Wade and Pat Riley), I opened up a can of the "What-If Game", listened to some Doobie Brothers and put on my Aaron Mckie jersey.
LeBron James is the best basketball player on planet Earth right now. Why single out planet Earth? Because it would be ignorant of me to assume that there aren't any incredible basketball playing aliens out in the universe who can dunk with one tentacle tied behind there eye. I'd like to see LeBron do that, and than he can be the best basketball player in the universe, and only than.
But, here on planet NBA, James is the best. Regardless of how he got to Miami, he is finishing his third regular season and looking on par for at least his third NBA Finals appearance as a member of the Heat. The Miami Heat are 164-60 in the regular season since the start of 2010 when LeBron arrived in South Beach. They have appeared in the past two NBA Finals, falling to the Dallas Mavericks in a semi-collapse in 2010, and defeating the Oklahoma City Thunder relatively easily last season. They are fresh off the second longest winning streak in NBA history of 27 games. LeBron's stat line for this season? 38.1 minutes a game, 27 points per game, 8.1 rebounds per game, 7.2 assists per game, 1.7 steals per game and almost one block per game. Not only is that almost a triple freaking double a game, but that is well-rounded game. Kobe is selfish. Durant doesn't play much defense. Derrick Rose is hurt. CP3 has had better seasons, but none like LeBron. LeBron James is the best player in basketball today.
I'm not here to make the case for any LeBron vs MJ arguments because they can't be made yet. Michael Jordan will be the best player in NBA history for at least a few more seasons to come. I'm here to make two cases, so listen up and I'll tell ya all about how, my life got flipped turned upside down. It'll only take a minute, just sit right here....okay, we're done.
First, how in the hell can anyone defend WrestleMania XXXIX?! Nothing exciting happened. There was a few solid matches. Chris Jericho putting Fandango (who I am a huge fan of) over was good, probably the best match of the undercards. Ryback vs Mark Henry better be over, although the way it ended is leading me into thinking they are going to continue that rivalry for some unknown reason. It's like watching two gigantic bears who can barely move try and wrestle each other, except I'd rather watch that (don't go emailing PETA on me, its a part of nature for bears to fight. I'm just a fan of nature, sue me!) Jack Swagger made an ass out of himself for getting pulled over. Dolph Ziggler is being buried for some reason. I really do believe a senile grandfather could have written the script for Ziggler better. First, WWE gave him a huge push that they have all but abandoned over the course of nine months. Why did Ziggler lose last night and not Langston? Why didn't Ziggler cash in his Money in the Bank? Undertaker vs CM Punk was the best it could be, it really was. Punk only did further damage to his injuries by screwing up the elbow drop and the table not giving out. And the Undertaker is about four times my age. The luster wasn't there, nor was the tension of the past few years where we thought "Is Shawn Michaels" or "Is Triple H really going to beat him?" We lost that with the whole urn angle, how could WWE really let a guy who was licking what was supposed to be a dead man's ashes win? The crowd was worn out for Triple H vs Brock Lesnar after the Taker-Punk match, so they didn't really eat into the brutality of that one. A 45 minute classic though, by far my favorite match of the night. Props to Triple H, who definitely did not need to come back and wrestle that brutal of a match. I'm sure Lesnar in all kinds of moronic debt, so, yeah.
And finally, the Rock and John Cena. I get the whole passing of the torch thing, only if this really is The Rock's final match. But WWE can not hold the attention of hardcore or older fans for very long if they keep having Cena booked as a babyface. Even Hulk Hogan made a heel turn, and he was thousands of times more popular than Cena. And yes, his market included young kids too. Cena turning heel will not ruin little kid's lives. If they don't understand WWE is staged, that might do the trick for them. John Cena must turn heel, now. It's way overdue, I've never seen a more stale character and Kevin Nash was around in 2012. That's saying something.
Anyway, what if LeBron James had to attend college for one season?
The what-if game is such a fun game to play, I don't know why it hasn't become a staple of the college party but Rolling for Stupidity has. For those of you with morals, Rolling for Stupidity entails everyone sitting around in a circle with someone coming up with a stupid act, like making out with a plant. People decide whether or not they will partake in the round, but if they chose to sit out they have to drink. The people who chose to partake roll the dice, and the lowest roll has to perform the act, and than come up with something even more stupid. Like slide yourself down a row of tables into a pyramid of cups. Shout out to Mark Cuban for willingly doing this. Anyway, this would be a great college game. It'd be awesome to play what-if with college hookups (what if Randy actually hooked up with Melissa), academics (what if Randy hadn't skipped all of his classes in March) and anything party related (what if Randy died that one time we poured a bathtub of beer down his throat). I'm just saying college dropout rates would inflate.
It's really fun to play with everything in life, especially sports (because it has no deeply negative effect on our emotion and personal life). It's not as much fun to play what-if with your divorce, career choice, personality, life choices, drug habits, moral flaws or gambling addiction. I'm sure Lindsay Lohan doesn't want to play the what-if game with any of those.
So today, we are putting LeBron James on the what if hot seat and assume he had to play college ball for at least one season. We all know that he came straight out of high school before we made that unacceptable, and he still lit up the league. So if he had to play one season of college hoops, I am going to assume he would do just that. Play one season of college hoops and than enter the NBA draft. This would put him in the 2004 NBA draft rather than the infamous 2003 NBA draft with Dwayne Wade, Carmelo Anthony and Chris Bosh. And Darko. And Josh Howard, who if I didn't know any better, would have convinced me that he was in the 1992 NBA draft. Let's say LeBron played for a small school, like Akron. He brings Akron into the March Madness tournament as, hmm, a solid eight seed. I'll play sports czar and put his Akron squad in the West region and bump Cincinnati somewhere else. Akron wins that first round game and gets a second round date with Arizona. That Wildcats team was led by a balanced attack from Hassan Adams, Rick Anderson, Andre Iguodala, Jason Gardner, Channing Frye, and Salim Stoudamire. They made it to the West Regional Final, but they didn't have to face LeBron James. I'm giving LeBron and Akron the upset here, and they go on to play Notre Dame in the Sweet 16. I'll get somewhat reasonable and have his team lose here, but still. LeBron would be on national limelight even more than he already was now after taking a smaller school to the Sweet 16 and a win over the 1-seeded Wildcats. It' fun being a sports czar, now I know Jack feels in Lost when he tries to dictate how everything is going to go. Let's just hope Mike Rice wasn't coaching Akron back in 2003 so LeBron doesn't grow a hatred for basketball and decide to try something else. We all know how that worked for Shaq.
So, it is now time for the 2004 NBA Draft. The Orlando Magic hold the first overall pick, with the Charlotte Bobcats and Chicago Bulls falling as two and three respectively. Dwight Howard and Emeka Okafor are the two big prizes, but now we've added LeBron to the mix. Can Orlando pass up a sure thing, maybe the best basketball player since MJ, and still take Howard first overall? Would it have looked that insane back in 2004? Let's visit the 2003-04 Orlando Magic.
The Magic finished 21-61. They could score, they finished 12th in the league in that area. They could not play any defense though, finishing dead last in a league that was slowly becoming slower paced and more defensive oriented. Hence, the Detroit Pistons winning a championship. The main starting five was Tracy McGrady (started 67 games), Juwan Howard (77 games), Tyronn Lue (69 games), Andrew Declercq (53 games) and Keith Bogans (36 games). They needed a center, so Dwight Howard made perfect sense. Declercq was 30 years old and was really only barely better than Adam Sandler (interesting note: for those of you unfortunate enough to see The Grown Ups, when Sandler hits the behind the back shot on the court, he actually made that. Apparently he isn't bad at hoops. On a sadder note, they are making a sequel. After you sit in self pity for a few minutes, try and remember the last Adam Sandler movie you enjoyed. Go!)
Would Orlando still take Dwight Howard with LeBron James on the board? With Orlando's need for a center and the way both were hyped back in 2003-04, it's like picking between Peyton Manning and Tom Brady for a franchise quarterback or Cliff Huxtable and Alan Mathews for franchise TV dad. So, lets take a gander at Orlando's owner making decisions back than, John Wesibrod. With the reputation of a no-nonsense guy, he quickly dismantled the 21-61 team, making key acquisitions such as signing Hedo Turkoglu and trading for point guard Jameer Nelson. He also traded away T-Mac in a seven player mega deal with the Houston Rockets, acquiring Steve Francis among other players. This trade made about as much sense as giving Men at Work a second season on TBS. Rumor has it that Weisbrod received written death threats after the trade. I'll tell ya, I wouldn't have threatened him, but you can better a dollar that if I was more coherent when I was ten to this kind of stuff, I would have sent him an anonymous letter with expired coupons in it. Just for the hell of it.
So, do I think he'd draft James or Howard? I think he goes with LeBron, honestly. True, you always take the sure thing big man, but LeBron was never a small guy. Although not ideal, LeBron can always play center at any point. Besides, think of the starting five Weisbrod could have created by drafting LeBron fucking James: LeBron fucking James, Hedu Turkoglu, Jameer Nelson, Steve Francis and Grant Hill. You could also sneak Tony Battie in there for Hill at times. That's not a bad team, and I think they win more than the 36 games this squad won that season. Now let's say LeBron has about as much success as he did with the has-beens he played with in Cleveland over the next few seasons. That means we see an Orlando-San Antonio NBA Finals in 2007 that I guarantee the Magic win. Think about it, by then they could have signed a bigger center, say Tyson Chandler even, who would mix well. Throwing Chandler, Nelson, Turkoglu, Hill, Francis and James at the Spurs can win them a title. They also had Trevor Ariza floating around by now. I absolutely believe that team could have beaten Tim Duncan and Tony Parker.
As for the Cavaliers over those seasons, count them in as a lottery pick each year. Which means depending on when they would pick, the Cavs could have landed a fantastic team compared with the LeBron James era picks they endured. For the sake of fun, let's say they pick first overall in 2006 and 2008, with a second pick in 2005 and a fifth in 2007. Reasonable right? That could possibly and logically land them the following four players in addition to Delonte West and LeBron Jame's mother: Deron Williams, LaMarcus Aldridge, Jeff Green and Derrick Rose. They could move Rose to shooting guard and throw a starting five of Rose, Varejao, Aldridge, Williams and West out on the court every night, and by 2010 (when James was shoving his foot up Cleveland's ass for the next decade), the Cavs could be a dominant force in the East. Every fan in Cleveland just threw up a little bit.
What about Dwight, where did he end up, you ask? Most likely, poor Dwight ends up on the Charlotte Bobcats and fades into obscurity, much like his time in Orlando (except minus any playoff runs and especially take away the NBA Finals appearance). Howard probably has the exact same path, as I'm sure he pisses every one off in Charlotte last season again and gets traded to the Lakers. Everyone wins, especially if the Sixers somehow end up without Andrew Bynum through this clusterfuck.
So to clean up the Eastern Conference over the years, I was nice enough to draw this little doozy up, starting in the 2006 NBA season:
2006-07 Eastern Conference Standings (actual standings in bold, my fake world standings in not bold)
1. Detroit Pistons 1. Orlando Magic
2. Cleveland Cavaliers 2. Detroit Pistons
... ....
8. Orlando Magic 11. Cleveland Cavaliers
The Magic would go on to win the Eastern Conference, and defeat our boys in San Antonio.
2007-08 Eastern Conference Standings
1. Boston Celtics 1. Boston Celtics
2. Detroit Pistons 2. Orlando Magic
3. Orlando Magic ......
4. Cleveland Cavaliers 12. Cleveland Cavaliers
This was supposed to be the storybook season for Kevin Garnett and the Celtics, but LeBron and this Orlando team are too good. I love the team I have created, and I'm sending them to the NBA Finals for a LeBron vs Kobe matchup. Oh man, can you imagine the magnitude of this game?! I'm giddy just thinking about it. Alas, Kobe loses for two reasons. One, he mailbagged Game 6 of the actual Finals from this season, I see him doing the exact same thing. And two, who would have guarded LeBron? Bynum? Odom? Gasol? All of them get their asses handed to them every game.
For the sake of the reader, that is two championship for a LeBron James who had zero at this point with Cleveland. I don't think he wins anymore, because I think that Boston team was too good not to make any Finals and I have them in the 2010 NBA Finals, beating the Lakers. As for 2009, when Dwight made it to the Finals while the Eastern Conference forgot the playoffs were taking place, I have the Magic making it to a third consecutive Finals, but losing to the Lakers this time. I'll tell ya what, it is fun rewriting history when you can do whatever you want. For those of you still reading, take a break. Time travel can be a confusing thing. As a matter of fact, here's a video for your loyalty. I'm a man of the people.
So yeah, through all of those seasons, Charlotte did nothing. Just to clarify. So, LeBron had made one Finals appearance before he left Cleveland for South Beach, and he got swept. In my case with James in a Magic uniform, he makes three straight, winning two of them. While we're on the subject of the three straight titles, can I interject and voice my excitement for the return of Arrested Development for a fourth season?! While I don't know if the whole one character per main subject of each episode idea, I just can't wait to watch new episodes again! I have watched the episode where Lucille is taken into rehab three times in the past week, I don't care to know my running tally. And for those of you who are wondering how in the hell that has to do with three straight titles, the three seasons of Arrested Development are all championship worthy. Now can you dig that, SUCKA!
So finally, does LeBron leave for Miami still? He's already close to South Beach. He can't blame the weather. He won two titles, he can't blame the fact that he is afraid of competition and the low self esteem of knowing he can't win one alone. Me thinks LeBron actually stays in Orlando, and sways Chris Bosh to come there. Dwayne Wade is furious and wins league MVP in 2011 and carries his sorry-ass team past Orlando in the Eastern Conference Finals en route to a championship by himself. He then dedicates the win to Jrue Holiday for some reason, and Pat Riley vacates the championship to a Round Robin tournament with the 14 teams who missed the playoffs. The Finals is the Philadelphia 76ers and the Golden State Warriors, with the 76ers sweeping and Doug Collins crying. I am actually in attendance and Collins decides to retire. The team randomly picks their new coach from the folks in attendance, and my seat is next to the one who wins. However, Mitch Williams is sitting there and remembers seeing me in an elevator some six years ago in Citizens Bank Park, so he lets me be the next Sixers head coach. Touched, I hire him and Liam Neeson as my two assistant coaches. I then hire Mike Brown before immediately firing him while he has me over his house for dinner.
Hey, what if?
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment